Friday, January 6, 2012

The Beginning of the End

I love me some Jersey Shore. Just ask my Twitter followers. I practically shut Twitter down when I live tweet an episode. But, frankly, I'm glad this is the last season. I'm looking forward to the spin offs (Snooki and JWOWW, Pauly D), and I think ending it with one last blast in Jersey is the only right thing to do. Mazel, MTV, you're giving this show the send-off season it deserves.

So let's get cracking on the season premiere, shall we?!

Snooki: You are the center of attention, again, as you most certainly should be. I don't like that the Mike-Unit-Jionni storyline is not only alive and well, but it's at the forefront of the very first episode of the season. Oy. We're as sick of it as you are. I used to believe that you were only half lying when you said you didn't hook up with Mike, but now, it seems like you're 100% guilty. Just admit it, tell Mike this round is over, and focus on having fun in Seaside. We know you're still with Jionni, so either way, you win. He's a good guy, despite his tendency to be a little immature and dramatic. But hey, I think you two are cute together. I just hope you settle this whole Mike problem and give us lots of laughs this season. Oh, and dump your skank friend Ryder. That girl is poison. Seriously, she slept with practically all of your guy roommates. Not cute. I say cut her loose and let her be a ho on someone else's reality show. Snooki's grade for the week: C.

Jenni: You're the self-proclaimed "Mom" of the group, and I think you play that part beautifully. You're constantly looking out for everyone else, but you also like to be in the drama just enough to give your two cents. I, personally, love it. I love that you care about your roomies, and I think you were right to give Snooki the 411 in the bathroom re: Mike and "The Unit". I love your relationship with Roger, and I hope we see him more this season. And your dad is so adorable! I love that you two are close. I want you to have fun this season and wreak havoc with the girls. That's the proper way to see our JWOWW! Jenni's grade for the week: A.

Sammi: You're starting out on the positive side with me this season - PLEASE don't mess it up! I don't want to hear any "STAAAAAP-uh!!!" from you at all, do I make myself clear?! Ok, good. Seriously, though, I like you and Ronnie together this season, since it's the last one, and all. I think you were right to tell Mike up front that you don't want any problems with him - although that may not stop him from trying any monkey business, but at least you were straight forward with him. Control your jealousy issues with Ron, and you two will be Prom King and Queen of the Jersey Shore forever. Sammi's grade for the week: B.

Deena: I friggin' love you. I don't care what people say about you - I see the fun, cheerful, kind-hearted girl that you are. I have one piece of advice, though. DO NOT wait around for Pauly to kiss you. You did that in Italy, and it got you nowhere. Just have fun, don't get too drunk, and have a BLAST! It was sad to watch you sit at the foot of the bed while Pauly and Skank Ryder just stared at you. Don't let Pauly's escapades get you down. He's your friend. If it was meant to be, it would have happened a long time ago. And don't let Vinny's funk get you in a funk, either. Pretty much stay funk free, okie dokie? Deena's grade for the week: C.

Ryder: I know you're not a cast member, but I have to address you right here, right now. Um, how low is your self esteem these days? I feel bad for you, because you have absolutely no problem getting down with (or trying to anyway) whoever you can in a group of dudes who all happen to live together on a reality show. Hmmm. Seriously, if you're a true friend of Snooki's, you'd take your trashbox hooker (TM: Nene Leakes) ways to someone else's shore house. If you were my friend, I would have sat you down a long time ago, and pleaded with you to not be such a hobag. Sorry. It had to be said. Ryder's grade for the week: F.

Ronnie: Good first episode, I have to say. No breaking of things, no throwing of things, I mean, you're much more likable when you're not angry. Much like The Hulk. Anyway, I love seeing you laughing and having a good time. And I do like you and Sammi together, as I mentioned before. Keep calm, and you'll have a great season. I like how you were consoling Vinny, also. You're a good friend, for sure. Ronnie's grade for the week: A.

Vinny: I felt for you on this episode, even though we know that you do leave the house and then come back. You were the most affected by the surprise party, and I think I know why. You guys had just finished taping the show in Italy, and then you have to come back to the US - not to go home and take a breather, but to tape another season. That's almost unprecedented. I thought it was so strange that MTV would have them tape two seasons back to back with no break in between. But if it's the last season, that may have been part of the negotiations, or maybe it was agreed upon so MTV could get the show back on the air as soon as possible. Either way, Vinny, you just weren't ready to get back on the ferris wheel so soon. I'm glad you come back and finish the season out. You had to. It's not Jersey Shore without Vinny. Vinny's grade for the week: B.

Pauly: Ugh, Pauly. How could you? With Ryder. Really? I'm not even gonna get into it again because it was disgusting enough watching it, much less writing about it. Bleh. Gross. Moving on, your enthusiasm about getting back to GTL was hilarious. You really are the cheerleader of this show. I like that you and Vinny are still besties. Just make sure your hookups are out of Deena's sight so she doesn't get super depressed. Oh and take your shirt off as often as possible. Thanks. Pauly's grade for the week: C.

Mike: Well, you've managed to transition from bad guy in Italy to annoying guy in Jersey. Congratulations. Hopefully, you'll drop the villain role and just go back to being the happy-go-lucky party animal that we met the first season. I understand you have an ax to grind with Snooki, but it's getting old really fast - kind of like your face. I know that was mean, but come on! For as much moisturizer as you use, your face is busted! Oh, and I think you and Unit make a real nice couple. Mazel tov, Mike. Mike's grade for the week: D.

Check out the Hookup where the cast talks about the first episode here. And tweet me!