Thursday, November 1, 2012

Real Housewives of Miami - I Don't Have A Man, I Don't Have A Friend

So, I came to the conclusion that the minute I stopped watching Real Housewives of Miami, the sh*t got interesting. WTF?! So I caught up (just in time) to weigh in on the smack heard 'round the world.

Let's talk about what's happened so far this season, and then I'll give the ladies their grades for Sunday night's episode. (I know there's a new episode tonight, so you'll get a blog for that one tomorrow!) The beef is clear - Karent has rubbed everyone the wrong way with her blabber mouth and over-eagerness. Lea and Marysol are staying away from each other. Joanna has major issues with Adriana and major issues with her sister and her boyfriend (and life in general). What I love about RHOM right now is that these ladies film together no matter how much they hate each other. This is how it's supposed to be! I'm loving it!

May I take a moment to profess my love for Elsa Patton? I know everyone loves her. But I LOVE her. I love the way she talks to herself with these grand soliloquies and monologues, it's hilarious and thanks to her, I have my title for this week's blog. Elsa is one of the most interesting ladies on Bravo. And I can't wait for her to appear on Watch What Happens Live again. She and Andy have a fun time together.

Let's dive in to Sunday's episode. It was glorious.

Ana: I really like you! I think you were straight up with Joanna and you told her to her face exactly what you thought after the fight, ie: she overreacted. I think you could help her out. I say, stay away from Karent, like you've been doing, and help Joanna calm the f*ck down. Ana's grade for Sunday: A (Ana's my girl!).

Marysol: First of all, I don't think you wore the infamous fur vest as an insult to anyone. I think you had it in your closet and decided to wear it because you obviously wanted to cover up. I appreciate the fact that you didn't want your nips slipping all over the place (like some most of your cast mates). I don't think you had Joanna in mind nor were you making a statement by wearing it. The vest belonged to your mother and grandmother and you wore it. So what? I'm all for protecting animals, but that shrug is at least 30 years old by now, if not older. So, no one is saving anything by getting upset about it now. And if it's faux, that's even better! I'm not comfortable wearing fur, but that's my personal preference. We're all entitled to our own beliefs on the subject. Now, here's where I'm going to get in trouble. I think you're funny. So, when you were talking sh*t about Karent with Adriana, it made me laugh. Now, everyone knows that if someone makes me laugh, they can do no wrong with me. I'm not saying you can get away with murder now, Marysol, but I honestly don't think you did anything terrible at the party. You made fun of someone you didn't like. Certainly not the worst crime committed at that party, not by a long shot. I loved it when you said "people don't know how to act at parties". LOL! They don't! Obviously! Marysol's grade for Sunday: B (for talking sh*t, but she made me laugh, what can I say?).

Lisa: I loved that you threw a fit when not one, but two fights broke out at your party. You got them together! How dare they splash water on the DJ equipment? I would have flipped out, too. I really like how you bonded with Lea through all the craziness and eventually almost laughed the fights off. It was bad, but as long as you raised money for your charity, that's all that matters. I think you could learn a lot from Lea - just cool it with the age jokes, ok? She's not gonna spill her secrets of successful charity functions if you keep reminding her how young you are. But I found it odd that you would insinuate Lea intended for James to ruin the party, but then after the fights are over, you're all buddy-buddy with her ... please. If Lea orchestrated that whole thing, she deserves to not only be the Mayor of Miami, but the President of Earth, because that would have been a whole lot of masterminding right there. I chalk it up to drunk people who don't like each other. That's always going to equal bullsh*t drama. Lisa's grade for Sunday: C (because she handled the "chaoticness" but I didn't like how she said it could have been all Lea's fault, not cool).

Lea: As I mentioned above, I don't think you masterminded for Lisa's event to fail. I think it was great of you to show up, being that your event is the very next night. That's crazy to me, because I can't even imagine going through all this craziness, then packing it up and doing it again 24 hours later. That's insane. But hey, in Miami, do as the Miami-ans do. James is your friend, and I can understand why he wants to protect/defend you, but tell him to stand down once in a while! He's way too quick to get in someone's face. You were handling Beau just fine and actually came to an understanding with him before James got involved. As for bringing Joe Francis, some might say you did that on purpose to rattle Joanna, but we have no proof of that. I'm choosing to believe that you just bring along random friends to parties. But if this continues, it's going to make you look like the troublemaker. Lea's grade for Sunday: C (because she brought along the two guys who were in the middle of the drama, but I don't believe she caused any of the drama herself - at least not yet).

Karent: On one hand, you're the friend that puts Lisa's wet phone in rice for her. Very nice. On the other, you're the friend that tells Joanna that Joe Francis is telling people he slept with her and Marta. But what you failed to tell Joanna is THAT YOU ASKED HIM IF HE SLEPT WITH JOANNA AND MARTA!!!! I know this is last Thursday's sh*t, but really? You asked, and he answered. If you hadn't asked, I don't know if he would have said anything sexual about them. But if he had, at least it would have been on him. You were the one who asked - then you ran and told Joanna half the story. This is why I cannot be on Team Karent. You presented this picture - Joe announcing to the room that he had bagged both sisters - when that wasn't the case at all. Let's talk about Sunday. I read the "article", but let's be real, it's more like a blurb. It's not a full blown interview and you're not even quoted in it. It actually sounds like the writer, Lesley Abravanel, has more of a problem with the ladies on the show than you do. However, she does state that you "told us bluntly that she wanted to promote world peace prove to viewers that not all the women on these shows are classless fame addicts with low IQs and Botox for brains. Read more here". How much of that actually came out of your mouth and how much of it is Lesley's opinion? We don't know. But what we do know is what happened between you and Adriana when she confronted you on Sunday's episode. So, let's focus on that. It actually was a real conversation before Joanna jumped in. I think you were defending yourself quite well without any help. Why didn't you tell her to butt out? You could have shut that whole thing down. Karent's grade for Sunday: D (because she misinformed Joanna and didn't put a stop to Joanna getting into her conversation with Adriana).

 Adriana: I have to put the disclaimer here: I like you. I think you're really funny. But, I don't condone violence and I never will. Let's talk about what happened before the smack, or was it a punch? Anyway, you showed up at the party (by the way, LOVED your hat, seriously), and proceeded to get the scoop on what was going on, AKA talking sh*t. No problem, everyone else was, too. I didn't love the idea of you talking to Karent in the kitchen about the article, but she was actually participating in the conversation, and although it was tense, I didn't think it was terribly dangerous. Then, Joanna came into the picture. I saw how you kept telling her to go away and she wouldn't. For some reason, Romain thought you pushed her, but I don't think you did. You walked away after Romain and everyone else separated you and Joanna, but then you came back to the kitchen, but off to the side, talking to Marysol. I didn't like your "Polish immigrants" remark, and you probably shouldn't ever start a sentence with "Joe Francis was so right". Not a good look, Adriana. I will say, when Joanna came up to you again, you walked away again (more like fled) and SHE chased you. You say she grabbed your arm and that's why you hit her, but it doesn't matter. You both put your hands on each other. So you're both at fault. We're going to see how you behave at Lea's party tonight. I'm telling you right now, do not engage Joanna in a conversation at all. You will never see eye to eye with her. You were totally wrong for hitting her, but I do give you credit for trying to walk away. Adriana's grade for Sunday: F (because when you hit somebody, that's an automatic fail).

Joanna: My first question is, why are you so angry? You're mad at the world, honey, and it's not attractive. You may be a model, but your behavior this entire season has been really ugly. I have to talk about your relationship with Marta. Wow. Dysfunctional with a capital D. You two need some intense therapy immediately. There's no reason why Marta she be your little doll you drag around and yell at (remember that scene when you were making dinner for Romain??? Ridiculous!) and you shouldn't be her surrogate mommy dearest. It's a very unhealthy relationship and it's hurting both of you. On Sunday's episode, you berate her for allegedly sleeping with Joe Francis, then yell at her in the kitchen for crying, then you tell her she's going to lose you as a sister. Seriously, Joanna, you have major anger management issues, which are then compounded by alcohol. Quit with the drinks. And quit with the victim bullsh*t while you're at it. Everyone is not against you. Marysol didn't wear the fur vest to personally hurt you. Joe Francis didn't talk about sleeping with you until Karent asked him about it. Your sister was telling you not to fight with people. Romain was telling you to stop fighting and you told him to move out of your way. Your rage is blind, and so are you. You can't see how self-destructive your behavior is. Your sister is not a "traitor", by the way. And her scenes with Daisy were very telling. Marta is worried about you, but she's got issues of her own. It's time for you to take responsibility for your actions, Joanna. You said some really f*cked up things about Marysol and Elsa without any provocation whatsoever, only that Marysol wore something you thought was real fur. You didn't ask her, mind you. You just assumed it was real fur, and you proceeded to say she and her mother are going to burn in hell? What kind of sense does that make? It was over the top, outrageous, and disgusting. Then, you inserted yourself in Adriana and Karent's conversation for no reason, and made it all about you. How you've been in the business twelve years and that's how you know Karent really didn't say those things in the article. Well, who exactly asked you, Joanna? Was it any of your business what they were talking about? No. You said you thought Karent was being bullied, but really, I believe you saw it as an opportunity to slam Adriana because you've harbored bad feelings against her since she flirted with Romain (who you treat like sh*t anyway). See where I'm going with this? Then, you chase Adriana when she walks away from you and she turns around and smacks you. Now, when she walked away, you could have left it at that. But your temper and the alcohol told you to pursue her. You need to control both of those elements from now on. But you're not. On Watch What Happens Live, you attacked Adriana when she called in, telling her to go back to the slums of Rio, telling her she'll never look like you, and implying that you're going to take legal action against her. All of this is making you look even more crazy. Calm down (in my Ramona voice)! You're completely unstable at this point. You need professional help, fast. Joanna's grade for Sunday: F (she's a trainwreck).

I didn't address Alexia but I will as soon as she makes a return to the show.

What did you think of this episode? Tweet me!