I'm back for another Real Housewives of New Jersey smackdown, and let me tell you, Mama is excited. I want to make it clear that these are my opinions, I don't have any friendships or anything with any of the housewives, and I'm not trying to be friends with them. I'm calling it like I see it. If you don't agree, let me know (in a respectful manner) @humorandspice, and we'll discuss it like adults. This is all entertainment, folks, no need to get nasty about it. If you see things differently, I'd love to know why. Who knows? You may get me to switch teams! Seriously, though, the only team I'm on is Team Wakile/Team Kathy, and I've been very open about that. I can see the good and the bad in everyone on this show. Especially this week. So let's jump right in.
First, I have to address Lauren, so bear with me.
Lauren: It's obvious you have major self-esteem issues. I would go so far as to say that you hate yourself. Not just physically, I might add. I hate that you put so much importance on the way you look. I totally understand where you're coming from, but in the words of Latrice Royale: GOOD GOD, GET A GRIP, GURL! You are not the first (and definitely not the last) to struggle with weight. Hello, we live in the United States. Every other person in this country struggles with their weight and/or appearance. Secondly, you make some kind of farkakte connection between being skinny and being rich. Where did you get this from? How in the world did you connect those two? I'm sorry, but as far as I know, and I read a lot of biographies about successful people, being rich comes from a lot of hard work and a little luck. So, skinny has little to nothing to do with it. It's about believing in yourself - and loving yourself - enough to go after your dreams. You don't love yourself and you're making it all about the physical aspect of your life when you should focus on your work, your relationship, and your own happiness. And believe me, happiness DOES NOT come from being skinny. I was down to a size zero at one point - my lowest point - and it didn't make me happier in the slightest. I'm much happier now, and size zero is just a faint memory. So, get your MIND right, Lauren. I hope you're in a better place now. I know it sucks when your family (Dad and brothers mostly in this episode) make jokes about your weight, but everyone has their struggle. Just last season, Albie was still struggling with school. So, don't sweat it. And I'll speak on Caroline in a little while, but seriously, I think you need to move out of your parents' house immediately. Move to the city with a couple of girlfriends and GET YOUR LIFE. Lauren's grade for the week: D (because she needs a major attitude adjustment).
Now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's address the ladies.
Jacqueline: I hope we saw your turning point this week when you broke down by Teresa's car at the Solstice Party - by the way, can we just call it the bullsh*t party, because there was nothing spiritual about that party? Ok, thank you. Your frustration has been palpable since last season, and it's because (and forgive me, because I love you), you put yourself in the middle. You do. All you have to do is take a stand with Teresa (or Danielle or whoever) and stick to your guns. I can see and feel you trying to skirt around Teresa and not make her mad, but all that does is rev her up more. At the Solstice Party, you finally broke your silence and said that Melissa spoke with you about Teresa's gold digger comments. But, more importantly, you broke down and expressed how you were feeling about your relationship with Teresa as a whole - you have to not say things because she freaks out and you're expected to take her side 100% of the time no matter what. And unfortunately, she's not right all the time. So you're basically stuck. When you finally told her what you were feeling, I could practically see the weight coming off of your shoulders. Now, we know a lot more drama is in store, and we're going to see this whole thing unravel, but as of right now, I'm glad you opened up and at least started to speak your mind in this episode to Teresa's face. I did not appreciate the whole go-between role that you were playing at the party, though. This isn't high school. Do not let Teresa or anyone else make you be the messenger. Jacqueline's grade for the week: C (because she's still in the middle but she's slowly coming into her own this season).
Melissa: I know people are going to say that I'm on Team Melissa for this one, but you did the damn thing on this episode. I don't care what anyone says, you stood your ground, you didn't back down, and you actually made sense in the argument with Teresa. You told her without any hesitations or reservations to leave you and your marriage alone. I respect that. As a woman, I respect that you would ask her to not speak about you or your marriage in a negative way, because that's not her place. Even if she did hear someone say you were a gold digger, wouldn't she have told your husband a long time ago? And if he didn't listen, and married you anyway, what is the point of saying it now? You two are clearly not getting a divorce any time soon, and if you were, it would be for your own reasons, not because of gossip. The minute I see you flirt or look at another man on this show with lust in your eyes, I will let you know. It hasn't happened yet. The minute the tabloids have pictures of you with another man, I'll believe the gossip. It hasn't happened yet. So, you're correct in asking Teresa to take a seat. I don't know if I agree with the whole "coward" comment, only because that just made things worse. I think you were winning the argument up until that point. Then, it just got ugly and mean. But you made good points, you articulated yourself well, and you were clear about what your problems were with her. As for the whole gifts portion of the argument, now you know not to take gifts to the Giudice kids, because Joe Giudice throws them away. Isn't that nice? You were right to tell Teresa to talk to her brother directly, also. In my book, you could have handled a few things differently, but all in all, you did the best you could in the situation. I think this argument set you and Teresa back quite a bit, though. Melissa's grade for the week: C (because I could actually follow most of her logic in the argument, but it got out of control, and she could have handled it differently).
Caroline: A lot of people are hating on you because of the whole Lauren thing. On this episode, you said in an interview/confessional that she needs to lose weight. I don't see this as a huge revelation because Lauren says it as well. I think you should be focusing on what's happening on the inside instead of the outside, though. Take her to therapy to get to the bottom of her self-esteem issues, and please, help her move out of your house. She needs to be on her own, or at least get a place with some roommates. She's not going to get better with everyone in the house slamming her for the way she looks. Now, on to the Solstice Party. You went into that party with a stank attitude, and you left with a stank attitude. Good thing you can blame it on the menopause. But seriously, menopause is probably the main culprit. That, and when you get to a certain age, you just don't give a sh*t anymore. Ask my mom. But I digress. I think you're being a little bit too vocal about Teresa, even though what you're saying isn't exactly incorrect. She does have a lot of the qualities that you say she has. However, I don't know if "bully" is the right word for how Teresa is behaving. I think "brat" is a far more accurate term. Anyway, you just keep yourself together and hang back so that Jacqueline and Teresa can hash out their issues without people trying to say you're influencing her. Caroline's grade for the week: D (because she is cranky and it's making her come off in a not so good way).
Kathy: We can always go to you for a calm, mature, and reasonable take on the craziness that's going on around you. How you're able to let things slide is truly admirable. Yes, I think you're great. I do find it interesting that you clarified why Teresa is so hung up on not mentioning the word "jail", though. It makes sense that it has to do with pride and that it's a "Jersey thing". Again, you were very smart to not get involved in the fight at the Solstice Party. You know you're the last person Teresa wants to argue with. Kathy's grade for the week: A (and if you don't agree, tell me why, because I can't think of one thing that Kathy wasn't mature about on this episode).
Teresa: It appears that your fuse is still minuscule, and that is a shame. The fact that you blew up over Melissa confirming what you were talking about and using the word "jail" is just sad. There is no hiding what happened. Your husband went to jail. You're so caught up in painting this pretty picture of the perfect life this season, that you forget that people can read the papers and Google. People know what's happening. Also, I notice you're speaking a lot more Italian this season, and I like it. Just saying. Anyway, you were completely off the rails in the argument with Melissa. First of all, you made nothing but excuses for your behavior and for talking badly about her to your brother. All you had to say was, "Yes, I said it, and I realize it was out of line, and I'm sorry." But no. You can't apologize because then you'd have to admit that you were wrong, which you're not going to do. It's exhausting, Teresa. Talking about anyone's wife like that - without proof - is just wrong. Plain and simple. It doesn't matter what other people tell you, or the fact that you told your brother in confidence (that's the word you were looking for). You, of all people, should know, husbands and wives share things. And you said something hurtful to your brother and he shared it with his wife. But, you have to take responsibility for saying it in the first place! You were so ridiculous in the fight with Melissa, even resorting to mocking her voice. Do us all a favor, and grow up. When you're able to have an adult conversation and be just a little bit logical, you'll get a much better reaction from people. And the thing with the magazines has to end. I'm sorry, but that reeks of sleaziness. You're selling your "stories" to gossip magazines on a regular basis - no wonder people aren't falling all over themselves to hear you out. Maybe, just maybe, if you actually listen to the people that you've hurt, and realize that your actions have consequences, maybe then you'll have better relationships with people. Because this attitude that you and your husband have is toxic. Like, Chernobyl status. It was good to see you asking for Rosie's advice, but it was sad to see you immediately dismiss it. She's right about everything! Teresa's grade for the week: F (for not even attempting to listen to Melissa, Jacqueline, Rosie, and everyone else).
Special shout out to my girl, Rosie: You held it down this week. Between the kids and Teresa, you were like Jersey Supernanny. You are honestly giving me life every time you're on this show. Please, continue to tell it like it is!
Title of blog comes from Rosie (to Teresa) on this week's episode.
Let me know what you think! Just be mature about it! Tweet me!
