RHOM Lost Footage - Pocketbooks and Coffee, Courtesy of Mama Elsa

The Lost Footage episode of RHOM was almost like a complete episode from this season. There weren't nearly enough scenes from the reunion - and no manila folder, dammit! So I'll just give my thoughts about each scene we did get.

1. Animal Shelter - really great cause and I was happy to see Joanna, Marta, and Lisa helping out the puppies and dogs. Nice!

2. Karent reveals she's 39 (Rodolfo is 40, see? She's not older than him!) and talks about her charity. We see an event where she does free dentistry for children and it was a cute scene overall. By the way, Karent clarified she has a publicist because she was an actor before becoming a dentist and she uses the PR for her charity as well. Point for Karent.

3. Adriana's movie debut - I'm not one for gory horror movies but I'm happy for Adriana for getting the part and taking it so seriously. And kudos to her for getting her kid a role, too! We get to see Joanna allege that the producer approached her and ask her if she wanted to work with him. We're all sick of this beef between Joanna and Adriana, so that bit wasn't needed at all. Then, we see Adriana's rehearsals and run throughs with the fake blood. Again, not my style, but good for her.

4. Lea and Frieda - I really like their bond, even though Frieda pretends she can't hear Lea, which is actually really funny.

5. Andy asks the ladies how they tan - I mean, did we really waste film on this question?

6. Lea says she's moving the penis pool to Lisa's house. JUST KIDDING!!!

7. Lisa hires models for her lingerie party, yawn.

8. Adriana tells her son about the bees and the birds and it is probably the funniest mother/child conversation I've ever heard.

9. Napoleon the dog is doing just fine, thank you very much!

10. Elsa can't predict if Joanna and Adriana will make up, but it's very clear whose side she's on. Hint: Not Joanna or her machete. Andy then asks Elsa what makes her crystals and sand mixture work and Elsa is quick to remind him that she can't reveal that! Of course not, Dandy! Mind ya business!

11. Adriana shoots the movie that I'm already sick of hearing about.

12. Karent gets her portrait done by a famous artist and don't judge me I didn't catch his name. Was it the same one from the "She Beat Me to the Tweet!" episode?

13. Havana Elsa Coffee is here and it is awesome! That was the funniest segment of all, just Elsa, the driver, her coffee, and lots of unsuspecting Miami-ans. So cool. We got a little piece of the reunion re: Elsa hitting people with her pocketbook, which just sounds so funny coming out of her mouth because it's so ridiculous. We go back on the road with Havana Elsa Coffee and I want some right now. Marysol is hilarious as well, cracking jokes about the truck and making sure she's in place as the Havana Elsa heiress. Too cute! And at the cheetah print top lunch, Elsa does serious business, and I couldn't be more proud.

Thank you, Ladies of Miami, for giving us a great season!

RHOM - Build Me Up Just to Let Me Down

Well, here we are. Done with RHOM and the Reunion (only 2 parts? WTF?). I mean, after all those blogs came out after Part 1 about how Ana put the smackdown on Lea with her big ass manila folder, I was hoping we'd at least get a 3rd part of the Reunion. But alas, the Reunion ended just like the Atlantic Sea - cold and choppy. These ladies are nowhere near resolving their issues with each other, and while that may make for a stormy season 3, we can enjoy all the shadiness in Part 2 for now. And there was a ton of it going back and forth. This blog may get a little lengthy, but stick with me, I swear I have some good points to make.

Adriana: I'm so glad you said you regret getting physical with Joanna/HOanna. LOL! I can't stop laughing about that, sorry. You even apologized to Karent and Lisa! You obviously can't stand the sight of Joanna but at least you were able to take responsibility for your actions and admit that you were wrong. About the whole Romain thing - not kissing him on the cheek - I could see you were making a joke about the whole situation and Karent blew it out of proportion as usual. You were sweet to Alexia and defended her when Karent and Joanna were making fun of her crying. You're a very loyal friend. I have to address the rumors on Twitter - gurl, are you already married??? Adriana's grade for the week: B (the fact that she apologized gets her points in my book, but if she's already married that's kind of a fail for this season).

Marysol: I loved it when you said no one steals your pictures online! LOL! But seriously, I loved that you were supporting Alexia and telling us how much she picked everyone else up when Frankie was in the hospital. Also, it was great that you clarified that everyone in Bimini - including Lea - said it was the right thing to ask Lisa if it was ok to bring up the picture of Rodolfo to Karent. I'm sure the ladies did want it to be in private, but it just ended up being a totally different scenario. Regarding Lea, I was glad you confronted her about the green card comment because she did say it a few times and did imply that your marriage was fake - joke or no joke. And it did make an impression on people. So, I'm very happy that you got to tell her to her face that her joke had an effect on your life. She needed to hear that. You say you sucked as a wife, but the viewers will never know what happened in your marriage, so I say - I'm sure you did your best. Don't be so hard on yourself. You stood up for yourself to Lea and you said what you needed to say, so I think you accomplished a lot. We know you don't like confrontation but a little bit goes a long way. The part where you had to stop the reunion to go to the bathroom was hilarious, by the way. You said at the end of the episode that you're doing good, and we can see it. Marysol's grade for the week: A (she said what she came here to say and she put everything on the table, and I respect that).

Ana: You had plenty of ammunition left for Lea and Karent in this episode, but I wish Bravo would let us see what you really had with you (the big ass manila folder). Can you convince them to release it somehow? We need to see that footage! Anyway, you allege that Joe Francis was Lea's prop at the lingerie party and that Lea knew he would stir up drama because he told you they thought it would be "fun". If he said that, then he needs to attest to it and prove you right - maybe on Watch What Happens Live? - so that it's put to bed once and for all (no pun intended). I will say, the jokes about Lea being old got a little ... well, old ... but maybe that was your way of showing Lea that all of her recycled jokes get old, too? Maybe. So, let's move on to Karent. You say Rodolfo called her "Fatal Attraction" and that he told you she followed him to Mexico. Again, I want to see Rodolfo confirm this! Can we get a special edition of Caso Cerrado up in here? Regarding Bimini and the Karent conversation, you told Lisa that you all followed her into the house when she was about to talk to Karent to make sure she told the whole story - but I think you all wanted to be there because, let's be real, this was the moment that Karent was supposed to open her eyes about Rodolfo and maybe drop the facade. That's just my take. And yes, you were vindicated because it's been proven that you are not the Ana he was texting. Furthermore, according to you, rumor has it Rodolfo is gay! (When Andy asked if he was single, I died laughing!) At the end, you talked about Robert and it was very sweet but I want to know about who you're currently dating. So if you come back for season 3, let's hear about that guy. Ana's grade for the week: B (she stayed on her mission and didn't back down, but it's a shame we didn't get to see everything she brought to the reunion).

Alexia: Your fire and spark are everything - it's like home for me. I already explained how Latin Female Rage is one of my specialties in my last RHOM blog, but I think it warrants repeating - I speak this language. I know that rage. But I digress, you stuck it to Karent as much as possible, and although I don't think it was totally necessary, it was hilarious to watch. I'm sorry if that offends anyone, but come on, that shit was funny. Now let's talk about the serious stuff. Frankie is doing great, which is awesome, and I'm so happy about that. Peter acted out and hit a homeless man and posted it on Facebook, allegedly, but since this is a current legal matter, you couldn't go into much detail. You didn't excuse it, but of course, you're going to support your son and make sure he learns from his mistakes and follows through with the consequences of his actions. Watching you break down in tears was heart breaking. Not only because you've been through so much this year, but because the struggles aren't over yet by a long shot. It's obvious that you will continue being the rock of your family, and that's got to be a tough position to hold. I think you will do whatever it takes to keep your family together and I cannot blame you not one bit. I will say that it may be time to forgive Karent and let that negativity go. I would love to see you put all of that in the past on season 3, if you choose to come back. Alexia's grade for the week: B (she's staying strong and even though she ripped Karent a new one, she made me laugh, and you know that if someone makes me laugh, they pretty much get a free pass. Sorry 'bout it!)

Lea: I'm confused. Are you the lawyer? Because you had legal jargon and courtroom terminology coming out of your ears on this episode! Can we say rehearsed??? Anyway, you were right about a couple of things. No one should attack anyone without proof. No one should throw out careless accusations. However, you have to take responsibility for throwing out the green card comments about Marysol's marriage not once, but quite a few times, and it was hurtful to her. Also, you proved that you are shady when Marysol went to the bathroom and you WHISPERED to Karent that it's because she drinks too much. I'm sure that was just a "joke", right??? Well, Lea, I defended you and liked you in the past, but in that moment, you were SHADY. If you had something to say, you should have said it out loud and let Marysol hear you so she could respond. You were aware that you were still mic'd, right? So isn't that a "gratuitous accusation" and "character assassination"? All I'm saying is, practice what you preach. Of course, at the end of the reunion, you gave your closing statement (see, I know legal stuff, too) about how things said about you were unfounded and you forgive, but you don't forget, but your forgiveness is quantified ... blah blah blah. Seriously? Lea, you messed with the wrong one. Ana may not have brought the drama during the season, but you woke a sleeping giant when you talked about her kids and she's got you in her sights. This is one cast member who's not afraid to go toe to toe with you. I'm not saying anything Ana is saying is true, but your reactions to her just make it look like you're scared - like you do have something to hide. Lea's grade for the week: D (a lot of her responses sounded rehearsed and she was way too reactionary - somethin' ain't right).

Karent: I feel you were vindicated as much as some of the other ladies because it's been confirmed that you did not say the things in the infamous article, plus, you got an apology from Adriana. So, I say, take that and be glad about it. With Alexia, you can't win at this point. She has something against you and whatever you did to support her, it obviously wasn't enough or maybe it wasn't to her liking. Maybe she's team Rodolfo. Whatever. You don't need any of the ladies' approval, especially on this show. You're at your best when you're doing your own thing and not playing sides. When you and Joanna were mocking Alexia for crying, that wasn't you - that was Joanna's influence and you should be very careful with that. It's so not worth it to keep trying to prove that you and Rodolfo were really a couple - that is totally irrelevant now. No one cares about Rodolfo. We want to see you succeed and find love and bond with the rest of the cast. Karent's grade for the week: C (she is letting Joanna influence her and that is not the way to go).

Lisa: I totally agree that everyone disrespected you at your lingerie party with their antics. I loved how you stood up for yourself but you didn't lose your cool during the reunion. Even when you called bullshit on Alexia, it didn't bother me because you were being honest with how you felt. At one point you had to tell Alexia not to treat you like a child and you had to yell over everyone in order to finish your thoughts. Welcome to Housewives Reunions! I'm glad you're not giving up on having kids, and hopefully we'll see that journey in season 3. Lisa's grade for the week: A (I like her spunk and sass, especially because she's just being real).

Joanna: Thank you for saying you regret the fight with Adriana. We all do. So I hope now we can put that in the vault and never speak of it again. You admitted that part of that fight was caused by you drinking too much, and I agree. You say you don't associate with criminals, but Joe Francis gave you a job and you took it, so I'm just wondering - you would work for a criminal but not date one? Anyway, it doesn't matter what happened with Joe Francis. You could have avoided all this drama if you hadn't asked Karent to find out if he was talking about you. It was a stupid move on your part and it makes me wonder if you didn't do it on purpose to stir the pot. I am very sorry to hear your pictures were stolen and used for other websites, and I'm actually proud of you for taking legal action. About the stuff you did when you were 19, I really could not care less. It is what it is. I was happy to hear you say you weren't accusing Alexia's husband of being gay - you were just saying that it was a rumor you had heard - but it had no real place in the conversation, just like 90% of everything you say. I did not enjoy you making fun of Alexia for crying and it just shows that you are still immature and shockingly selfish and painfully insensitive to others. If you come back for season 3, please GROW UP. Joanna's grade for the week: D (only because she copped to the fight with Adriana but she has a lot to work on).

Elsa: I am grading you for the first time ever because you read these girls the house DOWN! Joanna IS disrespectful. You are 100% right. I'm glad you told Lea that what is going on between her and Marysol is hurtful to you. You were open and honest about your surgery that went wrong and I think people can shut up about it now. But, you did call Obama an animal - so you should have at least admitted it. You are still fabulous as ever - of course, you're Cuban after all! And I still love you. Thank you for telling these girls like it is and for letting us know Andy (AKA Dandy) has "secrets"! Interesante ... Elsa's grade for the week: B (a Bravo treasure).

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RHOM Reunion Part 1 - Reunions are a Team Sport

First, I think I need to reiterate that I can only comment on what I see and hear on the show. I don't personally know any of these ladies, although if any of them want to hang out, HOLLA!!! Anyway, I have to call these shows as I see them and I sincerely try to be as objective and fair as possible. However, there are some personalities that are more pleasing to me than others, I'm only human. Also, there's a whole lot of editing and chopping up scenes over at Bravo. So, I'm not going to fault anyone for apparently speaking out of turn, because for all we know, Andy gave that person the floor and they weren't interrupting anyone.

Now that we got that out of the way, RHOM's Reunion started off with a bang, a clang, and a whammy! These ladies are not playing around, y'all! And as much as it entertains me, and you of course, I think it's safe to say that we don't think it's ok to scream and yell at other women in real life. But this is a Bravo Housewives Reunion (AKA An Alternate Universe Where Screaming and Yelling are Acceptable Forms of Communication), so I'm all in and not afraid to admit that I love this shit. If only every reunion were like this. I love that these ladies brought it - cleavage, diamonds, curse words, and lots of insults. Again, I don't condone this type of drama in real life ... it's entertainment, kids!

It's important to note that the couches were clearly set up for the two teams: Ana, Marysol, and Adriana vs. Joanna, Lisa, Karent, and Lea. Later, Alexia will join the former.

And let me just remind everyone, I am the child of a hot tempered Latina mother. Maybe that's why I have a soft spot for some of these ladies. The Latin Fire burns within me so I'm not the least bit phased by the fast talking, loud voices, hand gestures, and everything that comes along with a Latin Woman who is pissed off. That's essentially my birthright. And I'm damn proud of it. 

With all that in mind, let's hand out some calificaciones!

Ana: You had your sights set on Lea and you came out swinging. I have to give you a little bit of credit for having all that ammunition ready to go right off the bat, but damn! Geritol in the Lea Kool Aid? Harsh! But, if you honestly feel that you're unmasking the Lea that you know, then hey, go for it. You definitely had some facts to throw out there to make your argument. I don't know if selling cold cream out of a car in Texas is a crime, though. And it didn't really prove anything, except that Lea potentially worked really hard for herself in the past? Then you threw in the whole "on her back" comment, which even by my standards was a low blow. She very well may have taken advantage of rich men but it was such an explosive statement, I'm wondering if you should have just kept that to yourself. Maybe you should have just explained that Lea is not the person she claims to be and left it at that. I do have to commend you for telling the ladies to stop throwing the word "bully" around. You're absolutely right, there is no bullying between grown ass women who can all defend themselves. Thank you for saying that. And when you said Rodolfo is a simpleton and the Miami version of Slade, I almost died laughing. Hilarious. Ana's grade for the week: C (although I love the fire she was bringing, she did a little too much on this part of the reunion for me. She should have built up to exposing Lea, not jumping into it so quickly).

Marysol: THANK YOU for finally telling Lea how her comments have affected you. This is what we needed all season. You finally let it out instead of trying to be polite about it. Sometimes you have to just come out and say it, no matter how it comes across. I think during the season, you were be cautious and it came across as you not responding to the allegations Lea was directing towards you. I wanted to see you defend yourself on the reunion and you did that. You came out and said that you need to protect your business and that's why you didn't want to keep talking about the gala, which makes perfect sense. It's in the past, after all. And you and Lea will never agree as to what happened, so I don't think it should ever be brought up again. Also, you referenced your marriage briefly before getting cut off and we all saw Lea make her jokes about it, which I never liked. Hopefully, you will let her know in part 2 that her comments about your marriage were not ok. Even though I commented on it in my last blog, I was referencing the fact that on the couch, Phillipe was saying that divorce was the best choice (and he said it more than once), that's why I wanted you to get the divorce and move on. Regarding Adriana, I was glad you stuck by her even though she is friendly with Lea. You said she was funny and intelligent, and I agree with you. Marysol's grade for the week: B (I was so happy she spoke up and got all of that off her chest, because bottling it up was not working).

Adriana: I still think you are hilarious, and I don't care what anyone says. I've already explained why you getting so hype doesn't really upset me. I do think it's funny (but then again, that says more about me than it does about you). Let's just say you let Joanna/Hoanna have it. And with good reason! It's not like she's backing down from you at all. I would say, though,  in light of the fact that you're a mother, you should probably not waste your time on going back and forth with her anymore. You've said what you needed to say. You called her out for starting the fight at the lingerie party and for the "slums of Rio" comment. You apologized for the Polish comment - and explained that you were essentially paraphrasing what Joe Francis had said earlier that night. All in all, you put it all out on the table with the one person who you were in a constant battle with all season. So, I can't be mad at that. And I need a "Beat Me to the Tweet" shirt in my life. Just saying. I gotta address you basically staying out of the Lea fight and letting us know that because Lea helped you many moons ago, you're not going to cross her. At least you were up front about it. Adriana's grade for the week: B (she was straightforward and said what she came there to say and I loved it, yes, she was mean to Joanna but ... I'm not worried about Joanna at all).

Joanna: Well, here's where people may bust me for being biased. I just don't like you. Even when you're being halfway sincere, it's just ... annoying. But, that doesn't mean I can't give you credit for not backing down. Just like I told Adriana, you got it all out in the open and you said what you wanted to say. I'm actually ok with that. I think it's great that you recognize the need to cut back on the drinking, especially in social situations with people you don't like. I think that's a universally wonderful idea. Everyone should take that one to heart. I think you should have accepted Adriana's apologies for the Polish comment, seeing as how you essentially said the same thing about the slums of Rio. But, instead, you said Romain was the one that said it first, then added that the slums are too good for Adriana. Come on. Along with the shade there has to be some light. It's called balance. And you missed a great opportunity to accept Adriana's apology and also apologize for what you said. But with you, it seems to be all or nothing. I just don't like that. Joanna's grade for the week: D (she was dishing it out, but I need her to give me some real moments of self-awareness, and she didn't give me anything but anger).

Lisa: I was kind of shocked that you defended yourself very well when Joanna started to go in on you. I loved that you were honest about how you felt about Lea - good and bad. Even though you didn't have a huge role on this part of the reunion, you held your own. Lisa's grade for the week: A (So far, so good - can't wait to see if she'll have more to say on part 2).

Karent: Good for you for standing up for yourself, however, I don't think you understood why the girls disliked you so much in the beginning. You were trying way too hard and it was obnoxious. By the time the season was over, you had pretty much dropped the act, but by then, the damage was done. So, I'm just saying, you can't be surprised that these girls still don't like you. I'm glad you're done with Rodolfo and I'm very very happy that you're dad is doing better. Karent's grade for the week: B (she's doing her best to stay positive even though she still gets static from half the cast).

Lea: First of all, you gotta stop jumping up like a well dressed Jack in the Box toy every time someone says something you don't like. That's number one. Even Andy had to tell you to have a seat. Beyond that, you defended yourself. You do take a lot of pot shots at the ladies, so you knew you were going to have to answer for them now. I think you prepared for this reunion a lot - and maybe had some help with certain lines, because you did sound a little rehearsed at times. The whole 'mean is not the new relevant' line landed like a stone ... sorry. I'm glad you were able to address the fact that you had digs for the ladies all season long. You pretty much laughed it off and said everyone else should, too, and we're just gonna have to agree to disagree on that. I think you should probably sacrifice telling your "jokes" to maybe spare people's feelings once in a while. Let's talk about Ana. I don't know why she's so mad at you but gurl, she was gunning for you the whole time, and your reactions didn't help. If you really wanted to make an impact you should have calmed down and stated your case - while seated - and you definitely shouldn't have shown her that she got to you. Your reactions were so funny, though, seriously. Over the top and dramatic but funny. However, Ana is not the reason why you and Marysol will not see eye to eye. You couldn't see eye to eye last season either. Lea's grade for the week: D (she defended herself but she was overreacting so much that it made me think Ana may have been hitting a little too close to home).

What did you think of this episode? Who's team are you on? Tweet me!

RHOM - Bimini and Beyond

Hello again, kids! First of all, my apologies for giving you this RHOM blog this late. The holidays really took me to a fun and relaxing state of mind so I got a little lazy and decided to wait to post any blogs. But I'm glad I did because I have a lot to say and this blog will be chock full of fun stuff for you.

First, let's talk about the Bimini trip. Wow! Honestly, the Real Housewives franchise is taking us to some beautiful places so far. I can't wait to see where the OC girls take their vacation. Oh and New York better give us a girls' trip, too. Anyway, the Bimini experience was a little under the weather, literally, so that made for some hilarious wardrobe moments. I will say the trip ended beautifully, and yes, I cried. Don't judge me. And let me just give props to the musical director of these last three episodes. The music was phenomenal. You deserve an Emmy, whoever you are.

I cannot wait for the Reunion!!! I swear, these ladies are bringing it from what I've seen on the previews.

For the record, this blog will cover Episodes 13, 14, and 15 (the season finale). So, let's get cracking and please, Bravo, don't ever show me the conch penis again.

Adriana: Even though the ladies left you while you went to get your passport, you didn't make a huge deal out of it, which I appreciated. You got along with everyone on the trip and personally, I couldn't have cared less how many suitcases you brought. I don't know why anyone would even worry about it. I'm pretty sure the plane can handle your 5 suitcases or whatever it was. I have to talk about the piano scene. That was so lovely. I love seeing that side of you. I do believe you're cultured and talented, it's just that Real Housewives doesn't always have room to showcase that. I wish they would feature these kinds of scenes more often. And congratulations on your upcoming wedding! Please let the cameras be rolling, because I think it will be a gorgeous event. It was so great to see your son give his blessing (somewhat) to you marrying Frederick. And he's right, you're already a family now. I think the wedding and the marriage is a bigger deal for you because that means you're truly breaking down those walls and trusting Frederick totally. Which is huge, so I'm truly happy for you. I think you ended the season on a wonderful note - especially your healing speech at the beach. I hope that you are back next season and we have more fun moments with you. Let's leave the ugliness and fighting in the past. Adriana's grade for the week: A (she finished up the season with some great heartfelt moments).

Lea: Although your voice was piercing my eardrums in Bimini, I understood your point. I'm not sure I agree with that evil plot you have if your husband ever cheats on you (was that psycho or what?), in fact, I'm absolutely sure I don't agree with it. Wow! Anyway, you made some great points with Karent but she's not you and you have to accept that she wants to learn things the hard way. You can't force her to feel what you feel. I really enjoyed your talk with Lisa about having a child. You were really sweet with her and gave her wonderful advice. And you gave her career advice which was above and beyond - so I appreciate that. I have to address the blow up in Bimini with Marysol. It was like a merry go round at times, but you stated facts. You had evidence. You really put it all on the table. The bottom line was you were affected by what Marysol did and you wanted and deserved an apology. I'm still not sure if you got one, but you were right to let it go and hug it out. I'm not even mad at you for saying you only have time for Marysol in social situations. I think that's more than sufficient. You don't owe her anything and vice versa. But I will ask you to calm down and stop expressing an opinion when it hasn't been asked for. Seriously, what business was it of yours how much luggage Adriana brought??? And why did you have to announce your stance on it 15 different times??? Enough already!!! Lea's grade for the week: C (she annoyed me to a certain point, but she had some redeeming moments).

Joanna: You really don't ever learn, do you. I have to commend you for getting along with everyone on the trip, especially Adriana, but why on Earth would you blurt out the rumor about Alexia's husband when it had absolutely no place in the conversation? That was just stupid. I know, I know, you say what's on your mind. But sometimes, it doesn't need to be said. You have to think before you speak. But that's always been a challenge for you so I'm not expecting much from you in that department. I do think it was smart of you to separate the women in Bimini and it actually helped the trip in the end, so good on you for that. I have to call you out on jumping on Marysol's back and bringing up Elaine when no one was talking about that situation. I don't care how relevant you thought it was - the conversation was about Alexia and Karent, and Marysol was saying that everyone has to apologize and then you butted in and started something else. I don't want to say you're a shit stirrer, you're more like a shit thrower. You throw the shit for no apparent reason. As for your relationship with Romain, the last scene of the finale said you're not engaged, but you and Romain are clearly still together according to your social media activity. I'm just saying, if you come back next season, show us you're working on your relationship (therapy), your drinking (therapy), and your attitude (therapy). If not, I don't want to see the spoiled brat we watched all season all over again. Joanna's grade for the week: C (still not a fan but she did behave herself at the end of the season).

Marysol: Well, you didn't do yourself any favors in Bimini when Lea came at you with solid facts. All you could say is "I didn't know that". Are you serious??!! Ugh, it got to be so bad that I just wanted you to admit to everything just to get it over with. I'm glad you and Lea buried the hatchet at the end of it. Just make sure it stays buried, because I don't ever want to hear about that bullshit ever again. Regarding Phillipe, I'm glad you finalized the divorce. I think it's the best thing for you both. I'm not going to say it was a sham of a relationship but it was clear Phillipe was done done done. Do not hold onto someone who clearly cannot wait to leave. The idea of the healing hole was a good one and it turned out great. Like I said, each lady expressing themselves and exposing the hurt they were going through brought me to tears. It's true, we all have something we're battling. So it was a very unifying experience to see in Bimini and I thank you for bringing that to us this season. Your 10 year company anniversary party was a wonderful success and I was not surprised Elaine showed up to perform. The real T is, did you pay her? Just kidding! If you come back next season, I need to see you with a man who actually pays attention to you and I need more comedy with Mama Elsa. And no more mean girl stuff. Marysol's grade for the week: C (she was a disaster in Bimini but she pulled it together for the finale so I give her credit for that).

Alexia: Well, that whole article was a major bust and I'm wondering now if that was some idiot producer's idea to mix up the drama on the trip. All that to flush the damn article away? Mama Elsa was right, you dragged stupid drama into the vacation for no reason. And why? Why? Why did you have to ask 8 different people if you should tell Karent when you knew you were gonna tell her in front of everyone anyway? That was the dumbest thing ever. Again, I don't know if you were following Bravo orders or what but it was so pointless. I wish your role on the show could have been more than just trashing Karent the whole time. If you come back next season, I want to see more of you at work and at home - of course we want to know how your son is progressing. I really do like you, I just think this scaled back role on the show didn't do you justice. Alexia's grade for the week: D (I have to be honest, her role in the last few episodes didn't impress me, but I still like her as a person a lot).

Lisa: Here's another one that I like a lot but I have to call you out as well. I will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER understand someone that gets a great trip to an exotic locale and the first thing they do is complain about the accommodations. WTF??? Honey badger, no. Brat, yes. I understand, they were little sailboat beds but um ... I'm sure there's a Hilton or a Marriott around and you can pay for your own damn room. Just saying. That really irked me. Anyway, your talks with the ladies all pretty much showed you're a goodhearted woman who really wants to be a mom. Great, I love it. I hope you do have a child very soon. If you're on next season, show us what you're doing to stack the odds in your favor like Lea said. I won't really go in on Daisy's surgery because it was what it was and I didn't think it added to your storyline at all. Lisa's grade for the week: C (she really pissed me off with the whole bed thing but she is a likable cast member and she should return next season).

Karent: Praise the Lord, you got rid of Rodolfo's trifling ass! I'm just SAYING! I was waiting ALL SEASON for you to dump him, and we get it in the ending segment of the finale??? Anyway, you handled the whole article thing your way, which is not my way but that's just a matter of personality. You did want to act like everything was ok because you didn't want to be embarrassed by this group, which is understandable. And in reality, I think you were mislead by Rodolfo. I think he lied to you from day one. So you obviously couldn't have the girls throw that in your face so you chose to pretend like it didn't bother you. But of course it did. Lea didn't need to scream it in your face for you to get it. And your impersonation of her was PERFECT! Good for you for giving her a taste of her own medicine. I'm just saying. The fact that you left to go be with your father really spoke to me. I think I speak for all the viewers when I say you made the right choice and I hope your father is doing better. The scenes with you and your mother really made me feel like that was the real you. And the Karent we met at the beginning of the season was trying way too hard to make us like her. You're a fantastic person - and when you're just being yourself and talking to your mom - that finally shows. No Rodolfo, no spokesperson, no over-the-top antics, just Karent. Karent's grade for the week: B (she finally revealed who she is and I feel like she should have just been herself this whole time).

Ana: Gurl, why are you still doing Robert's laundry??? Please tell me Bravo put that in the finale for laughs only. On the trip, you were trying the best you could to stay out of the drama, but you had a breakthrough when you realized you were not the Ana in question when Karent confronted you in the beginning of the season. So you were vindicated, which I loved. Now, about Robert. I think you were waaaayyyy too attached and maybe a little codependent, which sucks because you have a boyfriend. So, as hard as it was to break that bond and no longer be Robert's wife on paper, you had to do it. I'm glad you did and I hope you're a million miles away from that person who was still holding on to something that was already over. I know you were worried about your girls, but they are truly stand up kids. They're lovely young ladies and they're gonna be fine. I really liked how you admitted you thought the healing hole was going to be ridiculous but it ended up being really good for you. And you took that conch penis like a champ! I do want to see you back next season but I want to see how your relationship is going and I want to see you working on your chef game - a restaurant of your own, perhaps? Ana's grade for the week: B (she made me laugh and I think she brought some much needed commentary to the show).

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RHOM - Fake Apology

Well, kids, I couldn't sleep last night, so I actually watched RHOM at like 2 am, which was actually kinda nice for some odd reason. I definitely want to slap myself for staying up so late, but hey, it is what it is. This week was a little off for me in regards to the Miami ladies. They weren't really giving me much to work with but their mothers made up for it. So we'll deal with the moms and then the key players in this episode. Sorry to those I omit, but them's the rules now.

Elsa (Marysol's Mother): Um, you have some explaining to do. I love you, but you calling PRESIDENT OBAMA an "animal" is ... just ... SO WRONG. What the hell do you mean by that? You know what? I don't even want to know. SO disappointed in you. Elsa's grade: F (I'm so mad at her right now).

Lenny's Mother (didn't catch her name): You made a not so great impression, let's be honest. You were bitchy to Lisa (which, by the way, do you KNOW what she's been through with the miscarriages and all???) And then you say you're "not sure about Obama" ... I don't like you. Lenny's mom's grade: F (not cool - that's all I'm gonna say).

Joanna's Mother (again, forgot her name and I'm too lazy to try to find it): I LOVE YOU! You seem like a super nice lady and you told Joanna the truth about herself and gave her awesome advice. I hope she listens to you. I loved that you opted out of the political conversation. Can you join the cast permanently? Joanna's mom's grade: A+ (she is my new favorite HW Mom).

Frederic's Mother (sorry ...): You are classy, elegant ... perfection. In vintage Dior, no less. Frederic's mom's grade: A+ (another new favorite).

Now let's address the ladies:

Adriana: I think we got to see a different side of you this week, at least a different side as far as this season is concerned. I'm glad you are working on your trust issues. Frederic does seem like a really good guy. I wasn't sure about him at first, but I think he's definitely in it for the long run. But you have to get over the stuff that's holding you back. So, take care of that ASAP. The 50th Anniversary party was awesome. I loved it. The Brazilian band and you dancing in costume at the end was hilarious. You looked really happy and that made me feel happy for you. Keep this happy vibe going! Adriana's grade for the week: A (she's making progress).

Karent: I felt sorry for you on this episode because Rodolfo is clearly not that into you. It's sad because you're not a bad person or a bad girlfriend, for that matter. You're just not seeing what's right in front of you. He doesn't want to have children with you, hun. I'm sorry but that's what it is. We know you're no longer with him, so I'm glad you're not still in that relationship. However, for the purposes of this blog, I have to judge based on what we saw. Karent's grade for the week: D (for being so clueless).

Lisa: I can't imagine how frustrating it is when you're constantly being pressured to have a child when you've already had such a hard time with that whole situation. I really felt for you with your mother in law. But, you were respectful (but you did let her know you noticed she didn't tell you she loved you) and you had a beautiful seder for your friends and family. I really like you and I thought your toast was cute. Lisa's grade for the week: A (I feel for her).

Marysol: I think you've been caught in a lie, my dear. Not that James doesn't lie, either, because he clearly does. But I think between you, James, and Lisa Pliner, we'll never get the real story about what happened. If Lisa didn't want to pay James, she should have told James that. You should have never said a word because you knew it would get back to James somehow. So, lesson learned. If you don't want it coming back to you, keep your mouth shut about James. I thought it was nice that you had James/Elaine over to your office to talk about things and apologize, until you revealed that you didn't even know what you were apologizing for. It just makes you look two-faced. Marysol's grade for the week: D (I didn't like her fake apology).

Ana: I just have two questions and two statements for you. Why does your ex have his laundry done at your house? Why do you feel like you need to comment on your ex's appearance? If I were your ex's girlfriend, I'd be afraid to meet you, too (no shade). And I just want to say I really like your daughters. But seriously, cut the cord from your ex and move on. This isn't healthy. Ana's grade for the week: C (I get it, moving on is hard, but this was just annoying this week).

That's it for this week, Lea doesn't get a grade but she does get a side-eye from me about her "Latin Time" comment.

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RHOM - Speak Your Mind, Accept the Response

Ok, so with RHOM back on Thursdays (this is getting confusing), it has taken me a minute to post this blog, so my apologies right up front. This episode was pretty funny, if you find confrontation funny, which (duh) I do. We got to see Thomas' house, which incidentally, we've seen before on RHOA and Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List. So that was interesting! Elaine confronted Marysol, Thomas confronted Joanna, Ana, and Elsa, and Ana and Lea both confronted Marysol. Am I forgetting anyone? Probably. The point is this group is falling apart. And I can only hope the ladies can figure out who is really on their side and who isn't in time for the reunion. This season is flying by, and we'll be watching them go at it with Andy in no time. I gotta shout out Mama Elsa. Her shade towards Thomas' party was hilarious - after she was booted out, of course. It cracks me up that people can supposedly be friends for 30 years and then throw each other out of their homes because of some petty bullsh*t. Is that how friendship works in Miami?

Here come the grades:

Ana: I can understand why people will say that you were disrespectful to Thomas - because he asked you to be quiet and you weren't. And I actually get it, it's his home. But I think you were right on the money when you said people kiss Thomas' ass because he's rich. He said some pretty disgusting things, and everyone kind of just went along with it. You decided not to, you said so, and you left. I see nothing wrong with what you did, it just happened to occur after you had already had dinner and drinks! Hey, timing is everything, right? But seriously, you stood up for yourself and left willingly. No one had to throw you out. As far as Marysol, you're 100% right. Unfortunately, she is either not willing or not able to have your back the way you had hers. And that's a tough lesson to learn, but at least you learned it now. I am curious to know what you meant by Marysol's "dirty work". Could it be talking sh*t about people, or something more damaging? By the way, I don't really mind that you called your ex to pick you up. I think at this point, you were still very attached to him, so it's not a surprise to me that you would call him in that moment. Ana's grade for the week: B+ (because even though she got flack for it, she stuck to her convictions).

Marysol: This week was not great for you, let's be honest. You spent a lot of it talking sh*t about people and then being confronted for talking sh*t about people. I think you do speak your mind when asked, or when you're in a group where gossiping is happening. We all do it. People talk and you participate. It's not a crime. But, you have to back up what you say and own it. That's where you run into trouble. I have no doubt that you told Lisa Pilner something negative about Elaine and she ran and told her about it. That's what usually happens! So, when Elaine confronted you, all you had to do was say, "Yes, I said it. I was stating my opinion." And leave it at that. You can't run away from it anymore, Marysol. Do I think you were trying to get Elaine fired? No, but it made you look somewhat guilty when you wouldn't even admit that you were bad-mouthing him. I mean, we saw you do it. So, just own it. Believe me, it's the best thing you could ever do for yourself. Now, we have to talk about Ana. You did sort of sit there and let her get yelled at by Thomas - and you sat there and let him yell at your mom, too - but that doesn't necessarily mean you're a bad friend. It just means you didn't want to get involved. I get it. However, it hurt Ana's feelings and you have to take responsibility for that. Marysol's grade for the week: D (because she needs to own what she says and learn to reciprocate when friends defend her constantly).

Karent: You are a bit of a brown-noser, but maybe that's just your way of being friendly. In any case, it's annoying. You were all over Thomas, which got old real fast. But what I really want to talk to you about is when you had to (again) blab to Joanna about the joke Adriana made about flirting with Romain. Why do you feel you need to tell Joanna that? Adriana was not serious! It was a joke! And what did you accomplish with telling Joanna? Nothing. Sometimes, you have to discern what is important, and what isn't. And that joke Adriana made was not important. It wasn't important or relevant until you brought it up to Joanna. So, you essentially caused tension for no reason. There are certain times where you really need to just shut the f*ck up and keep it moving. Karent's grade for the week: D (for coming across as a tattle-tale kiss-ass, it's not a good look).

Joanna: I just want to know where you get all these figure skating outfits from, and why on Earth do you wear them to parties? Just saying. Save 'em for the ice, hunty. All kidding aside, you were very sweet to invite ALL of the ladies on vacation with you. That was a nice gesture. I just hope you don't drink on the trip (of course you're going to drink on the trip). I think you were actually right to be offended by what Thomas said about Romain leaving the dinner party. And really, Thomas is a sh*tty host for asking you if Romain was cheating on you. That is so out of line. So, for once, I really agreed with you getting angry about that. After almost blowing up at him, you decided to be the bigger person and not leave the party after all. I think you may have been intimidated by Thomas. He straight up yelled at you. If I were you, I would have just left. Thomas needs to realize that not everyone is going to think his "jokes" are funny. And yes, you were in his home, but that doesn't mean you have to take his inappropriate comments. You should have left with Ana like you were going to in the first place. And you are absolutely right, Karent was laughing at everything Thomas was saying. So, keep that in mind next time you want to jump in and defend her. Joanna's grade for the week: C (because she controlled her anger but I wish she would have left the party with Ana for solidarity's sake).

Lisa: Like I said before, I get the whole "it's his house, Thomas can say whatever he wants" theory. But, everyone has a right to their feelings and opinions, and if you don't take offense to what Thomas says, great. If someone else does, they have the right to say so and leave. That's exactly what Ana did and what Joanna almost did. I don't really care why you or your husband didn't get offended, because that's not my business. You getting on top of the table was a pretty creative way of diffusing the tension, so I'll give you credit for that. Lisa's grade for the week: B- (because she found a way to keep the party going, good for her).

Adriana: According to you, Thomas is misunderstood. You really weren't a big part of the drama (for once), so I applaud you for respecting your host and not getting involved in the fights. I can't wait to see the boat when it's finished. Adriana's grade for the week: A (because I want her to stay positive and not fight with anyone).

Lea: I love that you and Elsa get along. I think that's awesome. You and Marysol, on the other hand, well, that may be a little bit more difficult. I think you probably should have refrained from talking about the whole Elaine thing at Thomas' dinner. After the fights erupted and Thomas blew his stack, you admitted that Thomas overreacted. You definitely have no problem speaking your mind, and I appreciate that. You told Marysol exactly what you thought without any hesitation. I just wish she would listen and have a decent conversation with you about the issues between the two of you. And maybe don't defend James/Elaine so much - sounds like he's not the most reliable source of information. Lea's grade for the week: A (because she says what she means and means what she says).

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RHOM - So Familiar

Ok, so I just watched Sunday night's episode of RHOM, so it's fresh in my mind. Wow. This episode was a lot to take in, but I am officially hooked. Nice job, ladies. So, before I forget anything (who am I kidding? I always forget something), let's give out some grades.

Joanna: Listen to Romain!!! Stop drinking!! That was the best advice you could have ever received, and I hope you took it to heart. Although, by the looks of Alexia's dinner and your appearance on Watch What Happens Live, not so much. What a shame. Back to the episode, I think it was good for you and Adriana to shake hands and apologize, but it would have been much better if you both would have been sincere about it. You still feel you did nothing wrong, but by your own admission, you don't remember what you did/said. Again, no more alcohol for you. You kept saying you don't fight but if you did, you would hit Adriana. Just saying that is enough to start another fight! If you could just listen to other people without getting so upset, you may be able to understand where they're coming from. Marysol was talking to Karent, and once again, you had to insert yourself. Karent can defend herself. You really need to stop butting in to conversations that have nothing to do with you. Not surprisingly, I'm still not a big fan of yours. Joanna's grade for Sunday: D (I'll give her credit for showing up to Alexia's and apologizing, but her heart wasn't in it).

Adriana: It was nice to see you show up for Lea and Leroy, and I loved the hat, by the way. I'm glad you and Lea are so close. It's a sweet friendship. What's not so sweet is how you behaved at Alexia's. I like you a lot (I keep saying that because I want you to know that this is coming from a good place), but damn. You need to quit with the sh*t talking. Now, I love shade and reading and all that, but when your friend Alexia puts together a summit dinner to resolve the issues between you ladies, making snide remarks is not what you should be doing. It doesn't matter that Joanna came in a cocktail dress or whatever. You need to keep those thoughts to yourself at that point. Then, you both apologized (and neither of you meant it), but that didn't stop you from leaving in a huff. I gotta call you out on that. Why couldn't you have just cooled off for a moment and stayed for Alexia's sake? I feel that you will never forgive Joanna and no matter what happens, you will continue to bash her. And I can't condone that. I don't even like the girl, but you have to let it go and quit talking sh*t about her. You're keeping that bad blood flowing and it's only going to hurt you in the long run. Adriana's grade for Sunday: D (because she was too busy talking sh*t to really resolve anything).

Lea: I'm so sorry about Leroy. I respect your decision to not bring any additional dogs into the house. I think the pain of losing Leroy was enough to where you never want to feel that again. I don't blame you at all. I think you were great at Alexia's dinner. You were trying to get them to talk like adults but they had already gone too far off track. Lea's grade for Sunday: A (because she showed up to Alexia's dinner and tried to help the ladies communicate).

Alexia: When I watch you on the show, it's weird because I feel like I know you. I've been around Caribbean women all my life so I know every nuance, every gesture, every facial expression. And you were fed the f*ck up with Joanna. And I would have been, too. I think you had great intentions with this dinner, but unfortunately, when people get heated, there's no telling what can happen. It would have been great if there was some real communication happening. But you can't force people to listen to each other. Alexia's grade for Sunday: C (she had a great idea, but when it didn't go so well, she let her frustration get the better of her).

Marysol: I was so happy when you brought up the article, and I thought you were going to have a real conversation with Karent. Apparently not! I wish you could have let her finish speaking, and maybe then you both would have gotten some closure and this issue could have been put to bed. And, I have to read you for talking sh*t with Adriana. Not cool! For Alexia's sake, you both should have just kept it cute and put it on mute (shout out to Trina Braxton). Marysol's grade for Sunday: D (because she messed up at Alexia's dinner).

Lisa: I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriages. I can't even imagine how painful that must be - not only in the moment when you're going through it, but the aftermath as well. And I'm sure you telling your story is going to be a comfort to a lot of women out there. Now, we gotta talk about Daisy. How did you not know about her other procedures? LOL! That moment was priceless. Maybe ask her a few more questions before you agree to give her surgery as a gift next time. But hey, you're a generous boss! I like it! I also liked how you kept your comments to a minimum at Alexia's dinner. You didn't add fuel to the fire but you did try to help at times. I think you could see the situation was out of control and you were better off keeping your mouth shut. Lisa's grade for Sunday: A (she opened up and we got to know her a lot better).

Ana: When you were crying at the office, I really felt for you. It didn't really seem like a big deal to move out of the office, but once I started thinking about it, it made more and more sense. That office was your security blanket and now it's being taken away. But you are gonna be fine. And I'm sure by now, you're glad you let that security blanket go. Your contribution to Alexia's party was definitely explosive, and I'm sure that's exactly what you were going for. I can't say I disagree with what you said about Karent - she is in the middle of all the drama - but it was kind of like throwing a grenade and walking away. Ana's grade for Sunday: C (I get where she's coming from, but she threw Karent under the bus when it wasn't really needed).

Karent: I'm starting to wonder if you're just a real optimist that can't handle confrontation, and that's why you seem so fake to everyone. I mean, you went to Alexia's with good intentions, and when Marysol confronted you, you were about to respond when Joanna decided to step in again. Tell her to stop it! Tell her you can speak for yourself! Why don't you put her in her place? I know you get along with her, but it's ok to tell her to back off. I really like your friendship with Lisa. You two seem to understand each other. I did cringe a little when you started talking about yourself when she was pouring her heart out to you. That's exactly what she didn't want! Oh, and the scene with your mom rubbed me the wrong way. You don't tell your mom she can't have ice cream because she needs to lose weight. No, no, no. That don't fly with me. Karent's grade for Sunday: C (she's still annoying but at least we can see that she may not have bad intentions).

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Real Housewives of Miami - No More Slurs

This one is going to be brief, kids! Not much actually happened on last night's episode of Real Housewives of Miami, but I'm definitely hooked on this series now. Which is surprising because the first three episodes were so boring. They should have cut to the chase faster!

Anyway, I did not enjoy Norman at all. That was so not entertaining to me. I just don't enjoy that stuff. Elsa was great, with her feathered fascinator, as usual. The Black's Annual Gala went off without a hitch and all the ladies were pretty civil with each other (to their faces, of course).

Joanna: I am sick of you whining about your relationship right about now, Joanna. Seriously. Let's get something straight. Joe Francis didn't ruin your relationship. You did. When you told Romain to move the f*ck out of the way (I'm paraphrasing), he left. That's what happened. You don't get to rewrite history at Lea's gala and say that Joe Francis is the culprit. Yes, I agree, he should stay away from you. But quit being the victim when it's convenient for you. I do admire the fact that you left the gala to talk to Romain, though. Oh, and stop with the Brazilian slurs, that's not gonna win you any fans or secure your spot on next season's cast. Just FYI: Andy doesn't like ugly. Joanna's grade for the week: D (because her whining is driving me bonkers).

Adriana: I cannot condone you continuing to bash Joanna at Lea's gala. I understand, you were still angry, but the names you were calling her were cruel and unnecessary. I don't mind you telling people what happened or your side of the story, but don't call her a hooker and a whore. That just gives her more ammunition against you. This is getting really ugly and it's time to call a truce and keep your distance. But by the looks of the previews for next week, you two get into it again. Not good. Adriana's grade for the week: D (because she's fanning the flames instead of putting them out).

Marysol: So, what's this again about you sleeping at Philipe's house? What? I'm sorry, I love you, but that story made absolutely no sense. I get it, you don't want another failed marriage, but sweetie, when only one person is fighting to keep a relationship together, it's already over. I want you to file those divorce papers and move on. You're worth so much more than this. Marysol's grade for the week: C (because she needs to bite the bullet already).

Lisa: I like how you're getting along with everyone right now. I think you're a great addition to the cast because you don't hold back but you have a sweet side. You were a doll with Joanna, as was your husband. That was nice of you to console her. I thought it was so funny when you told Norman he was wrong about his vision for you. Of course he's wrong! What a crock of sh*t he was feeding all of you ladies! Lisa's grade for the week: A (she was a sweetheart in this episode).

Lea: I am so sorry about your dog and I hope he's ok. Your gala seemed to be a wonderful success. However, never, ever hire Norman to do anything for you ever again. He is so full of it, it's not even funny. You're better off just relying on your excellent event planning skills and crossing your fingers for luck. Lea's grade for the week: A (for getting through the stress of planning the gala and dealing with her dog being sick on top of everything else).

Alexia: I was so glad to see you return this week, although it was brief. Your disdain for Karent is palpable, and at this point, she can't make it up to you. I think I'm safe saying the sight of her turns your stomach. It's ok, some people just aren't meant to be friends. I did think it was rude of her to talk in Joanna's ear when you were clearly having a conversation with her, and I didn't mind that you let her know it bothered you. Then, you walked away. No problem there. It is what it is. Alexia's grade for the week: B (she said what she needed to say and left it at that).

Ana: Although I love that you and Marysol are so close, I'm not sure about your approach. Sometimes, you're a little rough, but maybe that's just your style. I do like you, but I think Marysol wasn't ready for your opinion of her and Philipe at that moment. I do think you have the best of intentions, though. As for your own situation, I say file the divorce papers and don't look back. Ana's grade for the week: C (because she was there for Marysol, but maybe a little too rough for my taste).

Karent: I think you behaved yourself at the gala for the most part, but you were a little rude when you interrupted Alexia and Joanna's conversation. Your reaction to Alexia was hilarious, because you were offended that she was offended - but you offended her first! It's almost like you can't help but step in sh*t. Be a little more self-aware, and I bet these little incidents will happen less and less. Karent's grade for the week: C (because she's constantly pissing people off and is totally oblivious to what she's doing).

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Real Housewives of Miami - I Don't Have A Man, I Don't Have A Friend

So, I came to the conclusion that the minute I stopped watching Real Housewives of Miami, the sh*t got interesting. WTF?! So I caught up (just in time) to weigh in on the smack heard 'round the world.

Let's talk about what's happened so far this season, and then I'll give the ladies their grades for Sunday night's episode. (I know there's a new episode tonight, so you'll get a blog for that one tomorrow!) The beef is clear - Karent has rubbed everyone the wrong way with her blabber mouth and over-eagerness. Lea and Marysol are staying away from each other. Joanna has major issues with Adriana and major issues with her sister and her boyfriend (and life in general). What I love about RHOM right now is that these ladies film together no matter how much they hate each other. This is how it's supposed to be! I'm loving it!

May I take a moment to profess my love for Elsa Patton? I know everyone loves her. But I LOVE her. I love the way she talks to herself with these grand soliloquies and monologues, it's hilarious and thanks to her, I have my title for this week's blog. Elsa is one of the most interesting ladies on Bravo. And I can't wait for her to appear on Watch What Happens Live again. She and Andy have a fun time together.

Let's dive in to Sunday's episode. It was glorious.

Ana: I really like you! I think you were straight up with Joanna and you told her to her face exactly what you thought after the fight, ie: she overreacted. I think you could help her out. I say, stay away from Karent, like you've been doing, and help Joanna calm the f*ck down. Ana's grade for Sunday: A (Ana's my girl!).

Marysol: First of all, I don't think you wore the infamous fur vest as an insult to anyone. I think you had it in your closet and decided to wear it because you obviously wanted to cover up. I appreciate the fact that you didn't want your nips slipping all over the place (like some most of your cast mates). I don't think you had Joanna in mind nor were you making a statement by wearing it. The vest belonged to your mother and grandmother and you wore it. So what? I'm all for protecting animals, but that shrug is at least 30 years old by now, if not older. So, no one is saving anything by getting upset about it now. And if it's faux, that's even better! I'm not comfortable wearing fur, but that's my personal preference. We're all entitled to our own beliefs on the subject. Now, here's where I'm going to get in trouble. I think you're funny. So, when you were talking sh*t about Karent with Adriana, it made me laugh. Now, everyone knows that if someone makes me laugh, they can do no wrong with me. I'm not saying you can get away with murder now, Marysol, but I honestly don't think you did anything terrible at the party. You made fun of someone you didn't like. Certainly not the worst crime committed at that party, not by a long shot. I loved it when you said "people don't know how to act at parties". LOL! They don't! Obviously! Marysol's grade for Sunday: B (for talking sh*t, but she made me laugh, what can I say?).

Lisa: I loved that you threw a fit when not one, but two fights broke out at your party. You got them together! How dare they splash water on the DJ equipment? I would have flipped out, too. I really like how you bonded with Lea through all the craziness and eventually almost laughed the fights off. It was bad, but as long as you raised money for your charity, that's all that matters. I think you could learn a lot from Lea - just cool it with the age jokes, ok? She's not gonna spill her secrets of successful charity functions if you keep reminding her how young you are. But I found it odd that you would insinuate Lea intended for James to ruin the party, but then after the fights are over, you're all buddy-buddy with her ... please. If Lea orchestrated that whole thing, she deserves to not only be the Mayor of Miami, but the President of Earth, because that would have been a whole lot of masterminding right there. I chalk it up to drunk people who don't like each other. That's always going to equal bullsh*t drama. Lisa's grade for Sunday: C (because she handled the "chaoticness" but I didn't like how she said it could have been all Lea's fault, not cool).

Lea: As I mentioned above, I don't think you masterminded for Lisa's event to fail. I think it was great of you to show up, being that your event is the very next night. That's crazy to me, because I can't even imagine going through all this craziness, then packing it up and doing it again 24 hours later. That's insane. But hey, in Miami, do as the Miami-ans do. James is your friend, and I can understand why he wants to protect/defend you, but tell him to stand down once in a while! He's way too quick to get in someone's face. You were handling Beau just fine and actually came to an understanding with him before James got involved. As for bringing Joe Francis, some might say you did that on purpose to rattle Joanna, but we have no proof of that. I'm choosing to believe that you just bring along random friends to parties. But if this continues, it's going to make you look like the troublemaker. Lea's grade for Sunday: C (because she brought along the two guys who were in the middle of the drama, but I don't believe she caused any of the drama herself - at least not yet).

Karent: On one hand, you're the friend that puts Lisa's wet phone in rice for her. Very nice. On the other, you're the friend that tells Joanna that Joe Francis is telling people he slept with her and Marta. But what you failed to tell Joanna is THAT YOU ASKED HIM IF HE SLEPT WITH JOANNA AND MARTA!!!! I know this is last Thursday's sh*t, but really? You asked, and he answered. If you hadn't asked, I don't know if he would have said anything sexual about them. But if he had, at least it would have been on him. You were the one who asked - then you ran and told Joanna half the story. This is why I cannot be on Team Karent. You presented this picture - Joe announcing to the room that he had bagged both sisters - when that wasn't the case at all. Let's talk about Sunday. I read the "article", but let's be real, it's more like a blurb. It's not a full blown interview and you're not even quoted in it. It actually sounds like the writer, Lesley Abravanel, has more of a problem with the ladies on the show than you do. However, she does state that you "told us bluntly that she wanted to promote world peace prove to viewers that not all the women on these shows are classless fame addicts with low IQs and Botox for brains. Read more here". How much of that actually came out of your mouth and how much of it is Lesley's opinion? We don't know. But what we do know is what happened between you and Adriana when she confronted you on Sunday's episode. So, let's focus on that. It actually was a real conversation before Joanna jumped in. I think you were defending yourself quite well without any help. Why didn't you tell her to butt out? You could have shut that whole thing down. Karent's grade for Sunday: D (because she misinformed Joanna and didn't put a stop to Joanna getting into her conversation with Adriana).

 Adriana: I have to put the disclaimer here: I like you. I think you're really funny. But, I don't condone violence and I never will. Let's talk about what happened before the smack, or was it a punch? Anyway, you showed up at the party (by the way, LOVED your hat, seriously), and proceeded to get the scoop on what was going on, AKA talking sh*t. No problem, everyone else was, too. I didn't love the idea of you talking to Karent in the kitchen about the article, but she was actually participating in the conversation, and although it was tense, I didn't think it was terribly dangerous. Then, Joanna came into the picture. I saw how you kept telling her to go away and she wouldn't. For some reason, Romain thought you pushed her, but I don't think you did. You walked away after Romain and everyone else separated you and Joanna, but then you came back to the kitchen, but off to the side, talking to Marysol. I didn't like your "Polish immigrants" remark, and you probably shouldn't ever start a sentence with "Joe Francis was so right". Not a good look, Adriana. I will say, when Joanna came up to you again, you walked away again (more like fled) and SHE chased you. You say she grabbed your arm and that's why you hit her, but it doesn't matter. You both put your hands on each other. So you're both at fault. We're going to see how you behave at Lea's party tonight. I'm telling you right now, do not engage Joanna in a conversation at all. You will never see eye to eye with her. You were totally wrong for hitting her, but I do give you credit for trying to walk away. Adriana's grade for Sunday: F (because when you hit somebody, that's an automatic fail).

Joanna: My first question is, why are you so angry? You're mad at the world, honey, and it's not attractive. You may be a model, but your behavior this entire season has been really ugly. I have to talk about your relationship with Marta. Wow. Dysfunctional with a capital D. You two need some intense therapy immediately. There's no reason why Marta she be your little doll you drag around and yell at (remember that scene when you were making dinner for Romain??? Ridiculous!) and you shouldn't be her surrogate mommy dearest. It's a very unhealthy relationship and it's hurting both of you. On Sunday's episode, you berate her for allegedly sleeping with Joe Francis, then yell at her in the kitchen for crying, then you tell her she's going to lose you as a sister. Seriously, Joanna, you have major anger management issues, which are then compounded by alcohol. Quit with the drinks. And quit with the victim bullsh*t while you're at it. Everyone is not against you. Marysol didn't wear the fur vest to personally hurt you. Joe Francis didn't talk about sleeping with you until Karent asked him about it. Your sister was telling you not to fight with people. Romain was telling you to stop fighting and you told him to move out of your way. Your rage is blind, and so are you. You can't see how self-destructive your behavior is. Your sister is not a "traitor", by the way. And her scenes with Daisy were very telling. Marta is worried about you, but she's got issues of her own. It's time for you to take responsibility for your actions, Joanna. You said some really f*cked up things about Marysol and Elsa without any provocation whatsoever, only that Marysol wore something you thought was real fur. You didn't ask her, mind you. You just assumed it was real fur, and you proceeded to say she and her mother are going to burn in hell? What kind of sense does that make? It was over the top, outrageous, and disgusting. Then, you inserted yourself in Adriana and Karent's conversation for no reason, and made it all about you. How you've been in the business twelve years and that's how you know Karent really didn't say those things in the article. Well, who exactly asked you, Joanna? Was it any of your business what they were talking about? No. You said you thought Karent was being bullied, but really, I believe you saw it as an opportunity to slam Adriana because you've harbored bad feelings against her since she flirted with Romain (who you treat like sh*t anyway). See where I'm going with this? Then, you chase Adriana when she walks away from you and she turns around and smacks you. Now, when she walked away, you could have left it at that. But your temper and the alcohol told you to pursue her. You need to control both of those elements from now on. But you're not. On Watch What Happens Live, you attacked Adriana when she called in, telling her to go back to the slums of Rio, telling her she'll never look like you, and implying that you're going to take legal action against her. All of this is making you look even more crazy. Calm down (in my Ramona voice)! You're completely unstable at this point. You need professional help, fast. Joanna's grade for Sunday: F (she's a trainwreck).

I didn't address Alexia but I will as soon as she makes a return to the show.

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