Caper '14 - I Am Here and This Is Happening

I apologize for the wait! Part 2 is here!

So we left off with all of us in the bus – the closer we got to Vegas, the more butterflies I felt in my stomach. I was so excited to get the whole experience started! All of a sudden, we saw Buffalo Bills and it became real. We were really going to Vegas and this was really happening! We saw The Strip and I must say, the view from our bus was great. We were sitting up pretty high so everything was right at eye level. All the resorts, hotels, and casinos looked so close and there were people everywhere. It was about 1 pm when we made it to the Caesar’s Palace loading dock. There were quite a few buses parked and we could see other Future Professionals (students from Paul Mitchell schools) making their way into the hotel.

Can we just celebrate Caesar’s Palace for a moment? That place is spectacular! The exterior is gorgeous and it seems to go on for miles, which it probably does. We made our way through the casino and went up to the conference rooms where we were supposed to leave our luggage. There were business conferences going on and we were told to contain our excitement and our voices so we wouldn’t interrupt their meetings. We left our luggage and our school owners, Erik and D’Ann and our staff members, Joaquin, Ashley, and Sarah handed out our hotel room keys and badges. We were also given “I Know D’Ann” buttons because D’Ann has a wonderful work history with John Paul Mitchell Systems and has worked with all of the major stylists affiliated with Paul Mitchell. That button was going to be an ice breaker and conversation starter.

After that, we all went to see the room where General Session would be held the next day. As we walked towards the room, we spotted John Paul DeJoria (Co-Owner of John Paul Mitchell Systems) and Robert Cromeans (Artistic Director of John Paul Mitchell Systems) in the hallway. Some of the more zealous Future Professionals started running towards them, but they were told to leave them alone because they were in the middle of rehearsal. Which to me, made perfect sense because I’m sure they weren’t expecting a grip of students to run up on them like that in the middle of their preparation for the next day.

D’Ann told us we were free for the rest of the day and to be in line the next morning to get into General Session (kind of like an opening ceremony). Two of my roommates, Alyssa and Carmela, needed to visit the ladies room, so Shannon and I waited for them in the hallway. I saw Takashi (Artistic Director for John Paul Mitchell Systems) with his entourage coming our way. I told Shannon, “Oh my God, Takashi is right behind you!” Shannon did not hesitate, she said hello and asked for a picture. Takashi’s girlfriend said no because they were in the middle of rehearsal, so we said bye and were just happy to have seen him so close. Two seconds later, Takashi’s girlfriend called out to us and said, “One picture.” We rushed over and took the picture. All this not even an hour into Caper! As they were leaving, Takashi saw our “I Know D’Ann” buttons and he said “Say hi to D’Ann for me”.

When Alyssa and Carmela came out of the bathroom, Shannon and I were still in disbelief. We told the girls what happened and they could not believe it. We made our way to our luggage and ran into D’Ann. We told her about Takashi with such excitement, all she could do was laugh because we were beside ourselves. We took our luggage to our room, and settled in. We all called our loved ones to tell them we were in our room safe and sound. The rest of the afternoon was up to us so we went to the Peace Love and Happiness Mall to pick up our goodie bag and check out the merchandise. If I had been smarter, I would have stayed and went shopping for myself right then and there. But I think I was so caught up in the moment, I wanted to just see everything and not stay too long in any one place.

We quickly moved along to the look and learn booths and stayed for Rich Magaña’s makeup demonstration. Rich had visited our school last year and I really love watching him work. He did a great beauty makeup look, something that a celebrity would wear on television or a live appearance. I started to feel the effects of not sleeping the night before, so I told my roommates I needed to take a time out. I walked through the Caesar’s Palace Forum Shops and made my way to the hotel room and slept for a little while. I met back up with my roommates and we went back to the look and learn booths. While we were watching the end of the men’s cut demonstration, we met Cutting Specialist Dave Holland. He was so nice and personable. He took a group pic with us and we said our goodbyes.

At this point, we were starving. Carmela – who was suffering a toothache – let us know that she was calling it a night because she wanted to be in line for General Session by 4 am to get a front row seat. Alyssa, Shannon, and I went across the street to Margaritaville to eat dinner. I don’t know if we were just hungry or what, but the food was awesome. The real funny part was, this was a school trip so we were told multiple times, this is a non-drinking, non-smoking event. So, at any restaurant, you could see the Future Professionals looking around to see if other Future Professionals were drinking. Needless to say, we weren’t there to drink, so we had absolutely no worries.

We went right on back to our room after dinner and Carmela was already asleep. So, we all started getting dressed for bed. I always watch tv before bed, so I was happy that the girls did not object to a couple episodes of Modern Family. We started to hear a lot of loud voices outside our door. Alyssa went to the door to ask them to quiet down when one of them ran into our room and jumped on Carmela in the bed, telling her to wake up. Fortunately, Carmela knew this person and everything was ok. I was in shock just because it was so unexpected and didn’t know who it was running into our room. Our visitor left and the group kept it moving.

I slept better than I’ve ever slept in my life that night. I had a plan for Tuesday. Get up early, go to the Career Connection and talk to all the salon and beauty company representatives, and then go to General Session. I wasn’t trying to wait in line for hours and hours. I was going to take advantage of the fact that everyone else would be in line. General Session was supposed to start at 11 am.

But we’ll get into General Session next time! Stay tuned!!!

Caper '14 Part 1 - The Road to Vegas

As many of you know, this blog has been on hiatus ever since I started school. And for that, I apologize because I do miss the interaction. However, I have to admit, school has taken over my life in the best way possible. I have been completely immersed in the Paul Mitchell universe, and I can only hope I can stay here forever. What I'm trying to say is, I love school. So, when the time came for me to participate in a thing called Caper, I jumped in head first.

Caper is an annual event held in Las Vegas for Paul Mitchell students from all over the United States. It's part hair show, part motivational seminar, part specialized training, and part networking event. Combined, it is quite possibly the most invigorating school function ever invented. But, I'm getting ahead of myself. To get to Caper, you must sell promotional goodie bags stocked with Paul Mitchell products. This starts in October, and the idea is, you sell a certain number of bags in order to get your "ticket" to Caper. There is no actual "ticket", though. Believe me, I asked.

So, I sold the required number of bags, which wasn't all that difficult. There were seven bags to choose from, and they varied in content. For example, if you have fine hair that needs volume, there is a bag full of Extra Body products that is perfect for you. If you have a stinky but lovable dog, there's a bag with awesome pet care products (Paul Mitchell products are never tested on animals, by the way). If you're like me and your hair is, let's say "thirsty", the Tea Tree Lavender Mint products are life savers. Based on each person's needs, the sale was relatively easy. Some bags contained what we call ProTools, like a straightener/smoothing iron. That particular bag was worth 5 regular bags. Some people only focused on selling 9 of those and voila, they're all set. I took a different approach. I held lunches for my friends, visited people at their homes, pretty much made myself available to everyone and had them look at some of the bags and place orders. I wanted people to get something they would actually use, or better yet, something they could give as a great gift to a loved one.

Facebook was a great tool in selling bags. Paul Mitchell Schools' Facebook page really helped us out by posting perfectly crafted promotional pictures for us to share and there were even YouTube videos advertising the different bags. My Facebook friends would like and comment on my posts and I would follow up with them and some of them bought bags. I am pretty sure each school had a different number of bags they had to sell based on how much it would cost to send them to Las Vegas. Our magic number was 45. I reached my goal in November, which was a lot sooner than I had anticipated. But I was so happy when it was confirmed that I would be going to Caper.

Bad news was, it was November and Caper is in February. I had a whole 3 1/2 months to wait for the day to come. I mean, of course, I would get my resume and business cards together. I would make sure to get all the appropriate luggage and outfits. And I would certainly have done all my research on all the educators and professionals that would be in attendance. Oh wait, I mean I did all that at the last possible minute. I was scrambling the week before the trip for everything.

Our school owners, D'Ann Evans and Erik Pedersen made sure we had our itineraries and details a few weeks before the event. That made me feel a lot better and I loved having the schedule for each day. Even with that reassurance, I literally stayed up all night before having to be at the school at 5 am to get on the bus to Vegas. Even though I was excited, I was very anxious. I had no idea how this was all going to work, which for someone like me who likes to plan everything out, felt like a freefall. And I have to admit my anxiety was starting to creep up inside me. Fortunately, I was sitting next to Alyssa on the bus, who was just as nervous about everything as I was. We talked and calmed each other down. The bus ride went really well. I was able to sleep, we watched movies, and at a certain point we all started to do our makeup. With all the jostling the bus was doing, that was no easy task but we all did a bang up job. We looked great and were super excited!

Part 2 will be posted soon! Stay tuned!

If Anyone Is Gonna Stab Someone ... - GG - Shahs of Sunset

Well, when it comes to this week's Shahs of Sunset, there's really only one thing to discuss (ok maybe a couple but one really big thing) - THAT DINNER! THE KNIFE! OMG! I can't believe next week is the season finale and there are so many unresolved issues with this group. The Reunion cannot get here fast enough. So let's jump into the grades.

GG: I LOVED your scene with the therapist. This is the kind of scene I want to see from you every single week. With that being said, why did you go get that knife at dinner? Were you thinking it would shock Omid into calming down? I need clarification. I'm also mystified as to why you would blatantly ignore Asa like that. All you had to do was say hello and be civil. As a sign of good faith that you were there to make peace. By you ignoring her like that it set a negative tone between you and her, and as we saw on the preview for next week, your conversation with her does not go well. GG's grade for the week: D (she did great in therapy but I need to know why she ignored Asa and then pulled the knife out).

MJ: The scenes with your mom were so emotional, but also ended up being very uplifting. I really hope you two are in a better place now. The therapist spelled it out for your mother in such a beautiful way - I just loved all of that communication. The boot camp scene with Mike and Reza was hilarious! And you look awesome - don't let anyone tell you that you don't. Women would kill to have a bust like yours (and mine) - big busted girl power! LOL! I gotta talk about the dinner - you really stepped up and tried to stop the insanity. I'm proud of you for being such a good friend. MJ's grade for the week: A (this is the MJ I love!).

Lilly: First of all, I am so sorry that Ali's friend found it necessary to come into YOUR place of business and tell YOU why you're not married. It was complete bullshit. You're a successful businesswoman and you have nothing to be ashamed about. If Ali can't tell you to your face that your business embarrasses him, that's a huge red flag. I say, walk away from Ali and cut ties with "friends" that don't support you. You're doing nothing wrong by pursuing your goals. If other people have a problem with it, it's exactly that - THEIR problem. It was cool of you to come to the dinner and it looked like you were getting along with everyone, so that made me happy. Lilly's grade for the week: A (stay strong, sister!).

Asa: I felt for you in the scene at the studio, I can't even imagine how nervous you were. But hopefully the song comes out great and Persiapalooza is a success. I can't wait to see how your performance goes next week. Regarding GG, you were standing there and she totally ignored you. That would have pissed me off, too. Some people just aren't meant to be friends. Life goes on. You're smart to focus on what you're doing and leave all that in the past. Asa's grade for the week: A (she's justified in not caring to associate with GG anymore).

Mike: You actually kind of scared me this week because I could see the rage you had for Omid. It was crazy. I'm glad you didn't fight him because nothing good would have come of it. You two would have continued to talk shit about each other after anyway. I hated seeing you that angry, Omid's not worth it. Moving on, it was cool of you to be Reza and MJ's personal trainer for the day. Maybe you should do a workout DVD!!! Mike's grade for the week: C (he let his anger get the best of him, but at least it didn't get physical).

Reza: No good deed goes unpunished, and you found that out firsthand this week. I mean, you did great getting everyone together. But no one would have guessed that good old Omid was gonna be the one to fuck everything up. I'm proud of you for communicating with GG and letting her know that you're there for her. It could have ended up so much better if Omid hadn't been there. Reza's grade for the week: A (he really tried to get things back on track).

What did you think of this episode? Tweet me!

This Bitch Done Lost It - Nene Leakes - RHOA

First of all, sorry for the delay, kids. Life is trying to drag me down again but I will not be deterred from giving you my blog about RHOA. Now, it may be brief, but I'm gonna tell these ladies what I came to tell them. I have my Mountain Stream white noise on in my earphones so nothing is going to distract me from getting these blogs posted today. Thank you for all your support, by the way. It means more to me than you know.

Let's get right into the drama - Kenya's stunt at the ShoeDazzle event. PRICELESS! FUNNY! But totally unnecessary. I did pause the DVR and laugh my ass off, though. I appreciate absurdity especially in reality tv and that was about as absurd as it gets. Everyone's reactions were hilarious to me, so this episode makes it into my top 10 easily. Thank you, ladies, for the laughs. Now let's hand out some grades.

Kenya: Let's start with your lunch date with Porsha. I think it's telling that you are so worried about what Phaedra is telling Porsha about you - I honestly didn't think Porsha meant that much to you, much less Phaedra. Your real target was Phaedra, so you might as well have had her there, too. But you knew you would be confronting her at Nene's event later, right? The way you spoke to Porsha was pretty shitty, I mean, the girl was letting you know she still had beef with you regardless of anything Phaedra had to say and you dismissed all of that and got rude. No surprise. There is no talking to you, unless of course, it's to tell you you're right. Never gonna happen with Porsha so that's done and done. But the name calling needs to stop. Just saying. You got your revenge with Phaedra and made your point, and while it was funny as hell - I will never say it wasn't funny because it was - it was over the top for sure. You not only made your point, you highlighted it then circled it in red sharpie. We get it, Kenya! But it honestly only made you look crazier. Not the effect you were hoping for. I don't think you're necessarily an alcoholic, I just think you are attention-hungry and possibly in need of anger management. And that's putting it nicely. Kenya's grade for the week: D (she made me laugh but damn, she really let this bullshit get to her and it's not attractive).

Phaedra: So, it's been reported that you really don't know Tyler Perry, but I'm not really shocked that you told another fib. I like you but you do have a way of stretching the truth. Speaking of stretching, your photoshoot for the Donkey Booty DVD was hilarious and very entertaining. And of course, pretty raunchy. I think you ended up with a great cover for it, though. It makes sense that you would shop around for a distribution deal, I just wish you would have made that more clear to Kenya before so we wouldn't have had to endure her wrath. I was proud of you for telling Kenya exactly what you thought of her to her face at the ShoeDazzle event. Regardless of how much she was making fun of you, you stood your ground and said everything to her face. It wasn't worth it to get into who is relevant and who isn't. You two are both on the same show so there's no reason to discuss who's doing who a favor. At this point, you're both in the spotlight so just leave it at that. Phaedra's grade for the week: B (she's more concerned with her business which is how it should be, but she should have spelled everything out for Kenya much sooner and to her face instead of behind her back).

Cynthia: I hate to say it but you pissed me off this week. First, let me congratulate you on the pageant. It's a brilliant idea and I know it'll be super successful. But, why on Earth would you ask Porsha to help you and then do nothing but complain about her? I mean, it's clear you wanted the sponsorship from Porsha's charity, but I'd like to think that wasn't your only motive. Surely you saw something of value in Porsha to ask her to help you out. But the digs you were throwing in your interviews were just not necessary (it's not like she has a job, she's already confused, this isn't dress up, if I wanted a singer I would've asked Kandi). All this leads me to believe you wanted her to be a silent assistant - which you should have made clear to her before she showed up to the venue with you and Cy (who's adorable, by the way). If Porsha isn't bringing anything to the table, let her know and cut her loose. Period. Now, let's talk about the dinner with the girls. Here's where I have an issue with you. YOU ASKED PHAEDRA ABOUT KENYA. Ok? You asked Phaedra about Kenya, then you got so offended when the girls started talking shit about her. WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN??? Stop asking about shit and then complaining when people answer you! The golf date with Kenya was just another opportunity to tell her what the others said about her, which seemed kind of staged to me, but whatever. I still love you, but the comments in your interviews and the going back and forth between Kenya and the other ladies is not going to end well. Just know that now. If you answer for it and own it at the reunion, it'll all be fine. Don't make excuses, just own it and stand behind everything you said. Cynthia's grade for the week: D (she should have just taken Porsha's sponsorship without involving her in the planning of the pageant, and she should not be the middle-man between Kenya and the rest of the cast. That's the worst possible place to be, and she put herself there).

Porsha: I was proud of you for standing up for yourself with Kenya at that almost-lunch you two had. Good for you! It spiraled out of control very quickly but at least you were able to get some funny parting words in (Bye, Ashy!), LOL! You were having lots of fun at the pageant venue with Cynthia, but you gotta remember that it's her event and if she asked you for help, you gotta come through for her. Hopefully you do, because it didn't sound like she had much faith in you. Sorry 'bout it. Now, you know you were saved by the sitar at that restaurant. If you say your voice is a Beyonce/Mary J/Rihanna "congloberation", WE ARE GONNA WANT TO HEAR IT!! You cannot be shy about singing when you bill yourself like that! So, I want to hear you sing and I want to hear it soon. Lastly, your reaction to Kenya's mockery of Phaedra was priceless. Can I get some wine??? YAAASSSS!!!! Porsha's grade for the week: C (she held her own with Kenya but she should have belted for those ladies at dinner!)

Nene: Shout out to Interior Illusions!!! You Drag Race fans know what I'm talking about. You and Gregg were hilarious in the store. Gregg has such an old man sense of humor, I swear. Your acting coach is bad ass! I love her! I'm glad you're taking acting to the next level, and I hope we do see you win some awards in the future! I honestly think it would be so cool for a HW to make it to that point. Your ShoeDazzle event was going great until Kenya busted in (and busted out if you know what I mean), and your reaction gave me my title for this week's blog, so thank you. I hope you took Kenya aside and read her for bringing her shenanigans to your party. Not cool. Nene's grade for the week: A (she's staying busy and keeping her cool despite Kenya's antics).

Kandi: Thank you for once again trying to explain to Kenya why it was wrong of her to go after Phaedra's product. Not that she listened to you, AGAIN. But you tried. As for your comments about Porsha's singing, maybe give her a chance to show you what she can do. I understand why you're skeptical, though. It cracked me up when Bravo showed us that you and Todd had picked Cash for your future son's name - because that's how you pay for everything (bloop!) ... especially because Kim decided to name her son Kash. But hey, there's nothing wrong with two kids having similar names. I LOVED that you and Nene were so friendly at her charity event and that you left the Talls vs. Smalls stuff in the past. It's probably a lot easier to get along with the cast without certain people pulling you towards their side for their own selfish reasons. Kandi's grade for the week: B+ (she is not backing down with Kenya and I love that).

What did you think of this episode? Tweet me!

Y'All Can't Handle Me - Roxxxy Andrews - RuPaul's Drag Race Season V

Hello, my lovelies! It's Friday and you know what that means! I'm so happy RuPaul's Drag Race is back. There is something so magical about this show, I'm telling you. It brings me so much joy to see what the queens come up with for the challenge and also for their runway looks. Not to mention the SHADE OF IT ALL! Ah, the shade is magnificent. Glorious, really. But I digress. Let's talk about the premiere episode for just a moment. The queens had to do an underwater photoshoot with the YUMMY Mike Ruiz. I'll mention the specifics later when I rate the queens individually, but it reminded me of season 1 when the girls got doused with hoses while washing cars in the first episode. Memories! The main challenge was super cute - a tour bus ride through Bev Hills (complete with a cameo from Camille Grammer, HOLLA!) followed by dumpster diving for fashion. The gurls mopped everything they could get their hands on returned to the workroom to turn their trash into red carpet couture.

I have to talk about this season's cast - SUCH A FUN GROUP!! I love most of the personalities, all of the drama, and I get to be in awe of all the fishiness. There's something for everyone - there are serious queens, mean queens, annoying queens, funny queens, kooky queens, and of course, drama queens. I honestly love each and every one of them. So, I won't be giving grades, but simply assessing whether or not I think they'll last in the competition. Once we get down to a smaller number of queens, the more traditional grades will be handed out.

This week's guest judges were Camille Grammer and Mike Ruiz, which Mike should just be on the panel permanently (Santino can go, sorry not sorry). And my mutha Michelle Visage was radiant this week, as always. I love her speaking Spanish, too! Que bella, indeed!

RuPaul, as always, was a delight. I can't tell you how much I love RuPaul for bringing us this show, so I'll just leave it at - Ru is EVERYTHING. Enough said.

In alphabetical order:

Alaska (Thunderfuck): Personality-wise, you made a great impression in my opinion. You were personable, you poked fun at yourself, you were the first one naked (and per Coco, you're well endowed, so points for that), and you pulled it together for the runway quite nicely. The one thing that bugged me was when you gave up in the tank. That pissed me off, as did your whining. How dare you give up like that??? At that moment I was like, disqualified! BUT, you proved that you're still in this thing. Just don't ever quit like that again. If you focus up, you will most likely stay in the competition. I'm predicting at least top 5 for you.

Alyssa Edwards: Well, you certainly bring drama and intrigue, that's for sure! I was not impressed with your runway look, but I'm hoping you have more to show us as the show goes on. I don't doubt you have major performance skills so I'm looking forward to seeing that, too. The whole thing with Coco is already getting old, so you might as well bite the bullet and have the big argument and get it over with. Delaying it isn't gonna help anyone. As far as you taking from the other girls' styles for runway, it didn't really bother me that much, surprisingly - I'm guessing you were nervous and kind of panicked and tried to incorporate everything you could so you would make it through. Just don't make a habit out of it. I'm predicting at least top 10 for you.

Coco Montrese: You cracked me up on this episode. You had awesome one liners and very clever quips, which as everyone knows, if you make me laugh, I'm pretty much gonna love you. I loved your runway look because it was one of the more off beat looks of the bunch. The tension with Alyssa needs to be resolved right away so we can see other storylines develop throughout the season. You are obviously a talented queen, so I'm predicting at least top 7 for you.

Detox: Definitely one of the best queens of life, much less this show. Your resume speaks for itself and I am a fan. I love your looks and your attitude - even though it can be shady, I love it. I want to see shade, I want to see claws coming out, and that's exactly what you're giving me. Your runway look was great, but I know you will be showing us major glamour all season. I cannot wait. You were the winner of the mini-challenge, which was no surprise because that pic was flawless. I'm predicting top 3 for you.

Honey Mahogany: I fell in LOVE with you on this episode! I LIVED for your entrance look (and even though Detox said it wasn't polished, I think it was). Your runway was great and your underwater photo was very good. I know you can give us more and I'm just hoping you excel above and beyond because I'm just in awe of you at this point. I'm predicting at least top 4 for you.

Ivy Winters: Can I just say, the way Ru says your name is EVERYTHING!!! Now, you are the Mistress Seamstress this season. Please use that to your advantage! I don't want to see you get lost in the crowd, but I'm super afraid that it's going to happen. Come hard next week, lady! I'm predicting at least top 12 or you.

Jade Jolie: You made a big impression on the premiere for sure. Not only did you shut it down with Serena, but your runway look caused a lot of ruckus with the judges. I love your bubbly personality and your bluntness when it comes to stating your opinion, but I want you to stay focused on getting as far as you can in this competition. You don't want to be known for going back and forth with Serena - you want to be known for giving us eleganza extravaganza! I'm predicting at least top 8 for you.

Jinkx Monsoon: My GURL! I am LOVING you this season!!! I was so proud of you for surviving the underwater photoshoot even though it was clear you couldn't swim AND you lost BOTH of your contacts. You are so friggin' likable, it's crazy. I love that you're so open with your narcolepsy because it is part of your life and you're honest about it. Again, likable! I cannot wait to see you doing Edie from Grey Gardens in Snatch Game - I can already tell you're gonna hit it out of the park. Your runway look wasn't super exciting, but I'm hoping you have better looks coming. I'm predicting at least top 9 for you.

Lineysha Sparx: My Puerto Rican Queen!!! You are living up to all the standards set by your sisters Nina Flowers, Jessica Wild, Alexis Mateo, Yara Sofia, and many more. I am loving everything you're bringing this season. Your underwater photo was sickening and your runway look was gorgeous. The personality is there and the shade is there. You are the total package, just like the judges said. I predict top 3 for you!

Monica Beverly Hillz: With a Z! LOL! I am really looking forward to seeing you blossom this season. You have great style and of course, great face, but there is something holding you back. I want you to kick whatever doubts you have to the curb and give us everything. I believe in you! I'm predicting at least top 11 for you.

Penny Tration: I was so sorry to see you go first, but I know you had a lot more to give us. It's a shame that things went down like that. But, you showed us a lot of personality and style and we love you for it. The runway look was harsh in some ways and your padding was a little off, and in all honesty, I know in my heart you could have done better. We just don't know why you made some of the choices you did for your runway look. Hopefully you can come back a la Shangela? You made it to the show and that's awesome because so many more people got to know you. You were gracious and humble and your attitude as you were leaving is one of the best we've ever seen.

Roxxxy Andrews: You are giving me face, FACE, FACE! And I love it! You also gave me this week's title, so thank you! LOL! Your makeup dress is fab, hunty, and don't you let these bitches forget it! I'm so excited to see what you give us every week. I haven't been this taken with a queen since probably Yara Sofia. Honestly. You are stunning. The runway look - bangin'. And the side cut-outs, super hot. I loved the makeup, and I'm not a big fan of black lips, but your mug was beat for the gods. I'm expecting big wins from you from now on. I'm predicting top 3 for you, my dear.

Serena Cha Cha: Well, you didn't give us much to enjoy about you, but you are super young. So, congrats on getting here at the tender age of 21. That is a huge accomplishment. Your attitude, not so much. You came across as full of yourself and to be frank, disrespectful. The erratic and annoying behavior in the workroom was very unnecessary. I don't know what actually led to you screaming/singing, but it was not cute, hun. Your runway look was not as great as it could have been. And your underwater photo was just your legs (I think Mike called them "frogs legs" - not good). I hate to be negative, because your face is so pretty, but I don't think you will continue after next week. I may be wrong.

Vivienne Pinay: Gorgeous! And fierce! I really loved your Bettie Page entrance look, which worked amazingly well with the underwater photo. And your runway look was really cute. I loved that you gave it to Serena and let her know exactly what you were thinking about her behavior. You have an amazing look and I really can't wait to see what you do in the upcoming challenges. I'm predicting top 6 for you.

So, there you have it! Here's the list in order of my rankings:

Roxxxy Andrews - Top 3
Lineysha Sparx - Top 3
Detox - Top 3
Honey Mahogany - Top 4
Alaska Thunderfuck - Top 5
Vivienne Pinay - Top 6
Coco Montrese - Top 7
Jade Jolie - Top 8
Jinkx Monsoon - Top 9
Alyssa Edwards - Top 10
Monica Beverly Hillz - Top 11
Ivy Winters - Top 12
Serena Cha Cha - Top 13

Do you agree? Disagree? Tweet me!

RHOA - You Damn Lyin' - Kandi Burruss

Happy Friday and thanks again for starting your weekend with my judgmental ass! Now, my ass has a say in this blog (when does it not?), because this week on RHOA we had the battle of the booties. Yes, this argument was on broadcast television nationwide. Thank you, Bravo. The question remains: would you rather have a donkey booty or a stallion booty? Here's my take on it. Donkey booty is Phaedra's thing - she made it into her trademark of sorts. She's been talking about her donkey booty since she arrived on RHOA and it's a running joke that's garnered a lot of attention and love from the viewers. She owns that. Kenya, on the other hand, is still brand new here. We don't know her. We really don't know her because she's made it so difficult to like her with all of her extra behavior. So, we're not exactly ready for her to come at us with any sort of product, to be perfectly honest. Plus, the name Stallion Booty or Stallion Work Out, whatever it is, is a direct attack on Phaedra's original product. Why on Earth would Kenya come for Phaedra with that name? More on this later, but if I had to choose, I'd have to go with the original, the Donkey Booty, because I appreciate originality and taking something that belongs to you and capitalizing on it. The word stallion never came out of Kenya until this week's show. Just saying. Enough about that. Let's start the weekend and give these girls their grades for the week.

Cynthia: I LOVED the scene where you were rehearsing with the kids for the fashion show!!! That was such a great scene and all those kids were awesome. Not many people know this, but I was in a fashion show when I was little - probably like 7 or 8 - and it was so much fun. Alas, that's where my modeling career began and ended, but enough about me. The fashion show was a complete success, which is a great reflection on your business, so I'm super happy for you. When you and Phaedra were talking in spell-talk I was cracking up, you two are way too good at that! Hilarious! Cynthia's grade for the week: A (I'm so proud of her modeling agency's success!).

Kenya: I understand you couldn't just let a juicy distribution deal go to waste, but seriously, you came for Ms. Parks with your Stallion work out video. Let's be all the way real, you wanted to take her idea and top it. Which didn't necessarily need to be a bad thing, but you turned it into a bad thing with your approach, your attitude, and your whole demeanor. Once again, your negativity ruined any good you could have accomplished. Why not call it the Miss USA Work Out? Something that has to do with YOU??? But like I said before, you did it to spite Phaedra and you will learn that the majority of the viewers do not like that sort of behavior. Really, spite doesn't get you far with us. Kenya's grade for the week: F (despite the fact that she clearly had a good distribution deal, she did not have to go after Phaedra so hard, it was ugly).

Phaedra: I like the way you handled yourself, and more than anything, how you reacted on the phone with Kandi! That was hilarious! That's the Phaedra I want to see/hear all the time!!! I think I'm more on your side now because you made it clear that you're not going down without a fight and you will take Miss Kenya to task for trying to bite your idea. I like that. Phaedra's grade this week: A (she is sassy and I love it!).

Kandi: I was going to tell you that calling Phaedra right after Derek J told you about Kenya's video was kinda childish, but you explained on Watch What Happens Live that you felt like you owed it to her to give her the scoop, since you're closer to her than you are to Kenya. Fair enough. Your scene with Kenya was hilarious, because you kept trying to explain to Kenya where she was wrong and she just kept missing the point over and over again. Talk about exhausting. I just want you to put her in her place one good time! Kandi's grade for the week: B (once she explained why she called Phaedra right away, it made a lot more sense to me).

What did you think of this episode? Tweet me!

RHOBH - I'm Closing for Jennifer Lopez - Paris Hilton

Happy Friday! Now, let me know if you disagree, but wasn't this week's RHOBH really boring? This show is going downhill fast. I will go ahead and give them grades, but I feel like we've already talked about all this stuff before. So it's just getting really repetitive to talk about the same bullshit every single week. We need to move on, ladies! And gentlemen! Can I just shout out Paris Hilton and her "closing" for J.Lo? Yeah. She actually said that. Here are the grades!

Kyle (and Mauricio): Thank you, Kyle for telling Mauricio to can it at the dinner. Were you tipsy, Mauricio? That's the only reason I can think of that you wouldn't just shut up after all the chaos died down. Kyle, you were actually pretty tame this week, but I was disappointed you didn't make one Mannequin joke the whole time you were at that store. LOL! At the gallery, you definitely werked that headband/hippie look. I'm not saying it was the best fashion choice you ever made, but you werked it. Mauricio, I liked the bottle of gin as a peace offering, but you are too damn sensitive! Lisa made it clear they had to leave and it had nothing to do with you. It was awkward because you and Kyle are clearly on Adrienne and Paul's side - but you chose that side! You can't be mad when you get a little static because of it. Kyle and Mauricio's grade for the week: C (Kyle was alright but Mauricio got on my last nerve).

Lisa (and Ken): I loved that you both were so unbothered by the whole Mauricio thing, to the point where his bottle of booze barely registered! Hilarious! But still, it was a nice gesture so maybe a bigger thank you was in order. You two just make me laugh and I love that you defend Brandi but you also back off when necessary. You two have bigger things to worry about than this drama. Lisa and Ken's grade for the week: A (I love them, so sue me!).

Adrienne (and Paul): It's hard to really relate to you (both of you) right now because of the secrecy, because of the divorce, and because of the whole dating Rod Stewart's son thing. I'm just saying. But based on the brief appearance you made on this episode, you're standing united against Brandi's statement, which we still don't know what that even was, but ok, you're not going down without a fight. We get it. It's just hard for me to sympathize with people who won't even give us the story from their own perspective. How am I supposed to be on your side when I don't know what your side is? Adrienne and Paul's grade for the week: Pass (I can't grade them because I feel like there's too much I don't know).

Brandi: Thank you for finally getting up and walking away from that shit show of a dinner. You had to put a stop to all the back and forth about something that is ultimately your move to make. You are speaking to your lawyer - who is talking to Adrienne's lawyer. End of story. At the gallery, I liked how you were being very friendly to everyone and inviting everyone to Vegas. Nice gesture, absolutely. About Marisa, I can see where you're coming from, but you have to stop blurting out what you think about other people's relationships. It's ok to not state every single opinion you have (says the blogger who hands out imaginary report cards to reality stars every week). Brandi's grade for the week: B (she has to be careful with expressing herself and maybe work on getting a filter as soon as possible).

Taylor: Taylor, Taylor, Taylor. You always have to make it about you. Put down the wine and pick up the phone and call your therapist. This is just getting crazy. You have such animosity towards Yolanda because you can't stand that she has her shit together. How dare you comment on her marriage, which you know nothing about, and furthermore, who are you to imply anything based on David's marriage to your friend? That whole scene was ugly and you came across as a crazy, jealous nutcase. Please, focus on yourself and do not spout off your sob story to get the spotlight back on you ... with that said, you were totally fine at the gallery where ... you were drinking water! Stick with water, hun. Taylor's grade for the week: D (she made a complete ass out of herself at the dinner but was ok at the gallery).

Yolanda: It takes a certain kind of person to work so well with their ex, so I give you lots of credit. I have to bring this up, even though I know you won't care, but your comment to the construction guys at Mohammed's house was a little out of line. You aren't the first to say they need to learn English, and you won't be the last, but let's be real. It's not for you to tell anyone what they need to do. You're in California (so am I) and the whole bilingual thing is a sore subject that maybe you're not aware of. A lot of these guys just want to go to work, do a good job, and leave it at that. They're not trying to get approval or English lessons from you. In a sense, who are you to tell them what to do? They're doing their job. And if you want English speaking workers, that's who you should hire. Just saying. I loved the finished product, by the way. Yolanda's grade for the week: C (her comments about learning English didn't sit well with me, but that has more to do with my background and history than it has to do with what she said).

What did you think of this episode? Tweet me!